Dave
Barry’s Review Of 2013, The Year Of The Zombies
(By Dave Barry,
Washington Post, 20 December 2013)
It was the Year of the Zombies. Not in
the sense of most of humanity dying from a horrible plague and then reanimating
as mindless flesh-eating ghouls. No, it was much worse than that. Because as
bad as a zombie apocalypse would be, at least it wouldn’t involve the
resurrection of Anthony Weiner’s most private part.
We thought
that thing was out of our lives forever, but suddenly there it was again, all
over the Internet, as Weiner came back from the political grave like the
phoenix, the mythical bird that arose from the ashes to run for mayor
of New York and use the name “Carlos
Danger” to text
obscene photos of its privates to somebody named “Sydney
Leathers.”
Speaking of
pathologically narcissistic sex weasels: Also coming back from the dead in 2013
to seek elective office in New York (What IS it with New York?) was Eliot
“Client 9” Spitzer, who ran for city comptroller under the slogan: “If you
can’t trust a proven sleazebag with your municipal finances, who CAN you
trust?”
And then —
not to leave out the ladies — there was Miley Cyrus. We thought her career was
over; we remembered her fondly as a cute and perky child star who played Hannah
Montana, wholesome idol of millions of preteens. And then one night we turned
on MTV’s Video Music Awards and YIKES there was this horrifying, mutant,
vaguely reptilian creature in Slut Barbie underwear twerking all over the stage
while committing unhygienic acts with both Robin Thicke and a foam finger, both
of which we hope were confiscated by a hazmat team. This year was so bad that twerking wasn’t
even the stupidest dance craze. That would be the “Harlem
Shake,” which is not so much a dance as a mass nervous-system disorder, and
which makes the “Gangnam
Style” dance we
mocked in 2012 look like “Swan Lake.”
We miss 2012.
But getting
back to the zombies: It wasn’t just people who came back alarmingly in 2013.
The Cold War with Russia came
back. Al-Qaeda came back. Turmoil in the Middle East came back. The debt
ceiling came back. The major league baseball drug
scandal came back. Dennis
Rodman came back and went on humanitarian missions to North
Korea (or maybe we just hallucinated that). The Endlessly
Looming Government Shutdown came back. People lining up to buy iPhones
to replace iPhones that they bought only minutes earlier came back. And for
approximately the 250th time, the Obama administration pivoted back to the
economy, which has somehow been recovering for years now without actually
getting any better. Unfortunately, before they could get the darned thing
fixed, the administration had to pivot back to yet another zombie issue, health
care, because it turned out that Obamacare, despite all the massive brainpower
behind it, had some “glitches,”
in the same sense that the universe has some “atoms.”
Were there
any new trends in 2013? Yes, but they were not good. Kale,
for example. Suddenly this year restaurants started putting kale into
everything, despite the fact that it is an unappetizing form of plant life that
until recently was used primarily for insulation. Even goats will not eat it.
Goats, when presented with kale, are like, “No, thanks, we’ll just chew on used
seat cushions.” Another annoying 2013
trend was people who think it is clever to say “hashtag” in front of
everything. Listen carefully, people who think this is clever: Hashtag shut up.
Did anything
good happen in 2013? Yes! There was one shining ray of hope in the
person of Toronto Mayor Rob
Ford , who admitted that, while in office, he smoked crack cocaine, but
noted, by way of explanation, that this happened “probably in one of my drunken
stupors.” This was probably the most honest statement emitted by any elected
official this year, and we can only hope that more of our leaders follow Mayor
Ford’s lead in 2014. (We mean being honest, not smoking crack in a drunken
stupor.) (Although really, how much worse would that be?) But before we look ahead to next year, let’s
take one last look back at the fiasco that was 2013, starting with …
January
… which
begins with a crisis in Washington, a city that — despite having no industries
and a workforce consisting almost entirely of former student council presidents
— manages to produce 93 percent of the nation’s crises. This particular crisis
is a “fiscal
cliff” caused by the fact that for years the government has been spending
spectacular quantities of money that it does not have, which has resulted in a
mess that nobody could possibly have foreseen unless that person had a higher
level of financial awareness than a cucumber. At the last minute, congressional
leaders and the White House reach an agreement under which the government will
be able to continue spending spectacular quantities of money that it does not
have, thus temporarily averting the very real looming danger that somebody
might have to make a decision.
In other
Washington news, President Obama is sworn in for a second
term at a quiet White House ceremony that, because of an e-mail glitch,
Vice President Biden does not find out about until several days later.
Abroad (this
actually happened) Iran announces that the Iranian Space Agency has sent a monkey
into space aboard the Pishgam rocket and returned it safely to Earth.
Intelligence experts fear the Iranians are developing a much larger, more powerful
monkey that could be used to rampage around Tel Aviv knocking down buildings.
The New York Times reports that Chinese
hackers broke into its computer system, a security breach resulting in what
observers describe as “the hardest crossword puzzle ever.”
On the
business front, Boeing suffers a setback when the Federal Aviation
Administration issues an order grounding all of the new 787 “Dreamliners”
after inspections reveal that many of the planes have just the one wing. NASA announces that the latest data sent back
by the Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter appear to confirm data previously
transmitted by the Mars Pathfinder, Mars Surveyor, Mars Wanderer, Mars
Trailbreaker, Mars Roamer, Mars Walker, Mars Strider, Mars Meanderer, Mars
Stroller, Mars Lunger and Mars Traipser, suggesting that Mars is pretty much
covered with rocks.
In a
shocking interview, Lance Armstrong, after years of denial, admits
to Oprah Winfrey that he took illegal drugs in all seven of his Tour de
France victories, as well as using a motorcycle for certain stages of the race
and “occasionally” shooting opponents with poison-tipped darts. Also he played
“a small role” in the JFK assassination.
Elsewhere in sports, Alabama wins the college football national
championship by trouncing Notre Dame, which had been ranked No. 1 by a
computer program coincidentally created by the same company that is developing
the much-anticipated Obamacare Web site. Major league baseball is once again
rocked by scandal following published reports that a number of players —
including such stars as Alex Rodriguez, Ryan Braun and Melky Cabrera — have on
more than one occasion participated in the Tour de France. Speaking of shocking developments that nobody
could have seen coming, in …
February
… Washington
faces another crisis in the form of a “sequester”
that will happen automatically unless Congress can agree on a budget, which
seems unlikely inasmuch as Congress cannot agree on what planet this is. If the
sequester goes into effect, federal spending will continue to rise, but not
quite as fast as it would have risen without the sequester. To a normal human,
this means government spending is still increasing, but to Washington, the sequester
means “draconian cuts” and is a looming disaster of epic proportions. Panic
grips the city, as grim-faced former student council presidents write talking
points far into the night.
In the
month’s biggest surprise, Pope Benedict XVI announces
his resignation after giving an interview to Oprah Winfrey in which he
reveals that he is not Catholic. Also stepping down is Hillary
Rodham Clinton, who, after decades of public service, resigns as secretary
of state so she will finally have a chance to spend some personal quality time
with her team of campaign advisers.
The
beleaguered cruise-ship industry suffers another blow when the Carnival
Triumph loses power in a fire and drifts helplessly for days in the Gulf of
Mexico. Fortunately, the passengers are able to survive the ordeal by eating
each other. In other transportation news, American Airlines and US Airways
announce plans to merge
into one huge company that will be, according to the official announcement,
“the most bankrupt airline in the world.”
Abroad, an increasingly belligerent North Korea gets drunk and detonates
a small nuclear device. In the worsening European economic crisis, Spain,
Portugal, Ireland and Greece, facing massive debts, are forced to move in with
Germany. Speaking of crises, in …
March
… as the
federal budget deadline passes without Congress reaching agreement, the
devastating, draconian, historically catastrophic sequester goes into effect,
causing a mild reduction in the rate of increase in government spending that
for some inexplicable reason goes unnoticed by pretty much everybody outside
the federal government. Undaunted, Washington turns its massive collective
brainpower toward the task of deciding what to do about the next major national
crisis, whatever it may be. In other
government-finance news, the Securities and Exchange Commission accuses
Illinois of fraud after determining that the assets of the state employee
pension fund — which has liabilities totaling more than $100 billion — consist
entirely of expired Groupons.
President
Obama departs on a planned four-day trip
to the Middle East, although because of what administration officials describe
as a technical scheduling “glitch,” he winds up spending two of the days in
Albania. Meanwhile, the U.N. Security Council, meeting in emergency session,
votes to unfollow North Korea after the increasingly belligerent rogue nation
posts an unmistakably threatening tweet about South Korea.
In Rome, the
College of Cardinals, apparently seeking to move the church in a new direction,
chooses, as the first
non-European pope in over a thousand years, a retired New Jersey tax
accountant named Harvey Schwartz. Appearing before a massive crowd gathered in
St. Peter’s Square, the new pontiff vows to, quote, “give it a shot.” In what could be seen as a troubling omen, on
March 10, millions of Americans are forced to turn their clocks ahead one hour,
despite repeated assurances from the Obama administration that “if you like the
current time, you can keep the current time.”
Speaking of troubling, in…
April
… tensions
on the Korean peninsula mount still further as South Korea is awakened at
3 a.m. to discover that its northern border is blocked by a burning bag of
dog excrement the size of a soccer stadium. North Korea denies any involvement,
but the U.N. Security Council goes into emergency session, after which
Secretary General Ban Ki-moon announces that he wants to have his name legally
changed. In other alarming foreign
developments, Iran
announces that it is constructing a new uranium enrichment plant, which
according to a government spokesman will be used for “youth sports.”
At home, the
horrific Boston
Marathon bombing demonstrates yet again the vital service provided by the
powerful information-gathering resource that is the journalism/Twitter complex,
which- faced with a wildly chaotic, confusing situation- is somehow able,
within mere minutes, to get pretty much everything wrong. Leading the way is CNN,
which is forced to retract a widely repeated report, attributed to “high-level
police sources,” that the attack was carried out by a Belgian submarine.
Eventually the facts surrounding the tragedy are sorted out, enabling both the
media and the political establishment to get on with the crucial work of using
it to score political points.
Weather
scientists at both the Weather Channel and Colorado State University, using
sophisticated computer models, predict that the 2013
hurricane season will be unusually active. These scientists are immediately
recruited to work on the much-anticipated rollout of Obamacare. In sports, basketball player Jason
Collins becomes the first athlete in a major U.S. professional sport to
openly declare that he has participated in the Tour de France. Meanwhile, in
Masters golf action, Tiger Woods, after hitting a ball
into the water, drops a replacement
ball two yards from where he should have; this turns out to be just about
the most exciting thing that has ever happened in the history of golf. Speaking of excitement, in …
May
…
Washington, exhausted from dealing with crises, turns its attention to the
other thing it is really good at: scandals. The two main ones involve the Internal
Revenue Service, which admits that it has been targeting
conservative political groups for special scrutiny, and the Justice
Department, which admits that it secretly seized
phone records from the Associated Press. A shocked and outraged and, of
course, surprised President Obama states that he knew nothing about these
activities until he read about them in the newspapers; he vows to make every
effort, as chief executive of the executive branch, to find out who is
responsible. For their part, Republican leaders vow to harp on these scandals
until everybody hates them even more.
In New York
City, Anthony Weiner announces his intention to enter … No, let’s rephrase
that. Weiner announces his intention to plunge into … No, wait, sorry. He
announces that he plans to run
for mayor, using the campaign slogan “Weiner: You Know Where He Stands.”
His announcement sets off a joyous celebration among headline writers for the
New York Post. In other urban news, the
city of Detroit admits that for the past 15 years it has been stealing all of
its electricity from Cleveland.
In
technology news, Microsoft, acknowledging widespread consumer dissatisfaction
with Windows 8, announces that it has been chosen as the operating system for
the much-anticipated Obamacare Web site.
In sports,
the Kentucky
Derby is won by a Harley-Davidson ridden by Lance Armstrong. Meanwhile, in Europe, the worsening unemployment
crisis leaves millions of jobless workers with nothing to do except sit
around in cafes all day drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. This is also
what they do when they are employed, but still. Elsewhere abroad, tensions on
the Korean peninsula continue to mount when 17 million South Korean mailboxes
are destroyed by what are believed to be North Korean firecrackers. Speaking of worsening, in …
June
… Washington
is rocked by leaked documents showing that the National
Security Agency has been secretly collecting massive
amounts of data on the phone calls, e-mails and other electronic activities
of millions of American citizens. An NSA spokesperson insists that this program
is vital to the fight against terrorism, and that Americans “have absolutely no
reason to fear that their privacy is being invaded, or that there are tiny
government video cameras concealed in every low-flow toilet in America.” The
spokesperson adds that “as a totally unrelated side note, you people need to
increase your dietary fiber.” The person
responsible for leaking the NSA documents is identified as former CIA computer
specialist Edward
Snowden, who has all classified U.S. documents for the past 50 years on a
single thumb drive, which apparently was handed out as a favor at the CIA
Christmas party.
In legal
affairs, the Supreme
Court overturns the Defense of Marriage Act, eliciting high praise from
many politicians who enacted the Defense of Marriage Act. The California
legislature, as always staying ahead of the curve, passes a law making it
mandatory for state residents to possess marijuana. In an annual rite of passage, millions of
young people graduate from college, and, following in the footsteps of the
millions who have gone before them, move back in with their parents.
In sports,
organizers of the Tour de France announce that this year they’re going to skip
the bicycle-riding part and instead just gather all the competitors into a room
and see who can do the most drugs. In
Rome, Pope Schwartz introduces the Vatican’s first-ever Mah-Jongg Night.
Elsewhere abroad, U.N. observers express concern when Syria receives a large
shipment of crates from North Korea marked “AQUARIUM SUPPLIES. OR FRUIT.
DEFINITELY NOT CHEMICAL WEAPONS.” Speaking
of trouble in the Middle East, in …
July
… the
Egyptian military ousts President Mohamed Morsi and, in a move that worries
international observers, installs, as his replacement, Richie Incognito. Elsewhere
abroad, the already tense relationship between the United States and Pakistan
worsens when Pakistani Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif returns home to find his
wife in bed with a Predator drone. A spokesperson for the U.S. State Department
insists that they are “just friends.” In
Obamacare action, the White House announces a one-year delay on the mandate requiring businesses to
provide health insurance but insists that “we are right on schedule for rolling
out the Web thing on the Intertubes.” With that concern out of the way, the
Obama administration decides to once again pivot back to the economy, which continues
to falter because — economists agree unanimously on this — not enough
presidential speeches have been given about it.
George Zimmerman is acquitted in the shooting death of
Trayvon Martin and accepts a high-level post as a security adviser to North
Korea. The beleaguered city of Detroit, having run out of all other
financial options, formally applies to become a province of Canada. In baseball, Ryan Braun of the Milwaukee Brewers is suspended for the
season without pay after testing positive for trans-fats. In the month’s happiest story, Great Britain
rejoices at the much-anticipated birth of a royal baby who one day will, in accordance with
hallowed tradition, become an old person waiting around for an even older
person to kick the bucket. And the good
times continue to roll in …
August
… when
Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos buys The Washington Post with his own personal
money, thereby ensuring that one of the nation’s most important newspapers will
be able to continue producing in-depth, hard-hitting journalism, including an
estimated 400 stories and columns in August alone about what a genuinely
brilliant yet humanitarian genius Jeff Bezos is. Bezos says he does not plan to
make any major changes, other than to deliver the paper in cardboard boxes and
replace the stories with reader reviews of news events, using a five-star
ranking system.
U.S.
Attorney General Eric Holder, signaling a major change in the federal
government’s policy regarding the War on Drugs, tells a meeting of the American Bar
Association that he has a family of tiny, invisible harmonica-playing giraffes
living inside his nose. In sports, New
England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez is indicted for murder; if convicted, under
the strict new NFL rules aimed at reducing violence, he will have to sit out at
least two games. In politics, San Diego
Mayor Bob “Bob” Filner resigns as a result of allegations that he is a compulsive
serial horn dog who groped pretty much the entire female population of Southern
California. He immediately becomes a leading contender in the New York City
mayoral race.
But the big
story brewing in August concerns the crisis in Syria, which becomes a huge
issue when the White House accuses Syrian President Bashar al-Assad of using chemical weapons, thereby crossing the “red line” that President Obama announced in 2012 while
distracted by an important putt. Secretary of State John Kerry, making the case for a military strike, calls
Assad “a thug and a murderer” who killed nearly 1,500 people, including
children, in a chemical attack. Citing the urgency of the situation, the
administration prepares to launch an attack without congressional approval. But
then, in a surprise move, the president announces that he has decided to take the matter to Congress after all, raising the distinct
possibility that nothing will actually happen during anybody’s lifetime. The situation becomes even murkier in …
September
… when
Kerry, continuing to stress the dire urgency of the situation, compares Assad to Hitler, only to declare a few days later — moments
before his aides are able to fell him with a tranquilizer dart — that any
strike against Assad will be an “unbelievably small, limited kind of effort.” President Obama clarifies this by stating that “the United
States military doesn’t do pinpricks.” Just
when it seems as if there is no good way out of the Syria mess, help
miraculously arrives in the form of our generous old friends the Russians, who,
despite being longtime allies of Syria, are willing to lend us a helping hand
without any thought of benefiting themselves. Under their plan, Assad gets to remain in power but must give up
his chemical weapons and go back to killing people in a more humane, less
Hitlerish way. With the crisis averted, everybody in Washington heaves a sigh
of relief, and that is the last we hear about the crisis in Syria. In other foreign-affairs news, Dennis Rodman travels to North Korea for a loon-to-loon
meeting with Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un, who presents the former NBA star with
a commemorative set of 50 political prisoners.
In
technology news, Apple introduces the iPhone 5, which features an improved
camera, time travel and the ability to text with the dead. On the entertainment front, “Breaking Bad”
airs its final episode, leaving us with basically no reason to go
on living. Diana Nyad completes an unprecedented swim from Cuba to
Florida, a feat made all the more difficult by the fact that she had a family
of five clinging to her back. With
Obamacare about to go into effect, Sen.
Ted Cruz, a staunch opponent of the program, stages a 21-hour filibuster on
the Senate floor in an effort to drive home to the American people the
inarguable fact that the letters in “Senator Ted Cruz” can be rearranged to
spell “A Zero-Scent Turd.” As the month
draws to a close, Washington again lurches into crisis mode as Congress is
unable to agree on a budget, which means that at midnight on the first day of …
October
… the
federal government, in an unthinkable development that we cannot even think
about, partially shuts down. The result is a catastrophe of
near-sequester proportions. Within hours wolves are roaming the streets of
major U.S. cities, and bacteria the size of mature salmon are openly cavorting
in the nation’s water supply. In the Midwest, thousands of cows, no longer
supervised by the Department of Agriculture, spontaneously explode. Yellowstone
National Park — ALL of it — is stolen. In some areas gravity stops working
altogether, forcing people to tie themselves to trees so they won’t float away.
With the nation virtually defenseless, the Bermudan army invades the East
Coast, within hours capturing Delaware and most of New Jersey. By day 17, the situation has become so dire
that Congress, resorting to desperate measures, decides to actually do
something. It passes, and the president signs, a law raising the debt ceiling, thereby ensuring that the federal
government can continue spending spectacular quantities of money that it does
not have until the next major totally unforeseeable government financial
crisis, scheduled for February 2014.
Things do
not go nearly as smoothly with the rollout of Obamacare , which turns out to have a lot of
problems despite being conceived of by super-smart people with extensive
experience in the field of being former student council presidents. The federal
Web site, Healthcare.gov,
is riddled with glitches, resulting in people being unable to log in, people
getting cut off, people being electrocuted by their keyboards, people having
their sensitive financial information suddenly appear on millions of TV screens
during episodes of “Duck Dynasty,” etc. Fortunately,
as the initial rush of applicants tapers off, the system starts to work a
little better, and by the end of the second week U.S. Secretary of Blame Kathleen Sebelius is able to announce that the program has
amassed a total enrollment, nationwide, of nearly two people, one of whom later
turns out to be imaginary. But this is not good enough for a visibly angry and
frustrated and, of course, surprised President Obama, who promises to get the
Web site fixed just as soon as somebody answers the Technical Support hotline,
which has had the White House on hold for 73 hours.
In an
aviation landmark, a Delta Airlines flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles becomes
the first plane to fly under new FAA rules allowing expanded passenger use of electronic gadgets,
landing safely and uneventfully in Moscow.
In sports, another major league baseball season draws to a satisfying
close with a World Series victory by some team other than the Yankees. In foreign affairs, the German government
angrily accuses the United States of spying after German Chancellor Angela
Merkel’s mobile phone conversations are repeatedly interrupted by
somebody with an American accent asking her to “please speak English.” An NSA
spokesperson denies involvement, saying, “We don’t even have international
roaming.” Speaking of angry, in …
November
… public
dissatisfaction with Obamacare continues to grow as many Americans discover
that their current insurance plans are being canceled. A frustrated and — it goes without saying —
surprised President Obama reveals to the nation that “insurance is complicated
to buy” and clarifies that when he said “if you like your plan, you can keep
your plan,” he was using “you” in the sense of “not necessarily you
personally.” Observers note that the White House has stopped referring to the
program as “Obamacare” and is now calling it by the more formal legal name “George
W. Bush.” As the president’s popularity
slides in the polls, House Speaker John Boehner, sensing a tactical opening for
the Republicans, calls a press conference to point out that he is exactly the
same color as a Creamsicle.
In
non-Obamacare news, George Zimmerman, continuing a pattern of increasingly
erratic behavior, invades Taiwan. But the big international story takes place
in Geneva, where Iran, pressured by the United States and five other powers,
accepts an arms-limitation agreement under which it may continue making enriched
uranium but must promise that it will be used only for science fairs. In other international news, U.N.
Secretary-General Trevor Ki-moon asks the security council to send U.N.
peacekeeping troops to Manhattan in an effort to quell Alec Baldwin. In
politics, Chris Christie establishes himself as a leading contender
for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination when he handily wins reelection
as governor of New Jersey after defeating the occupying Bermudan army by
threatening to sit on it. As the month
draws to a close, Americans pause to observe the Thanksgiving holiday by
assaulting each other over discounted electronics. In what has become a
Washington tradition, President Obama attempts to pardon two turkeys but fails to get enough votes in the
House. Speaking of failure, in …
December
… retailers
report that the Black Friday shopping weekend was weaker than expected,
with a nationwide total of just six shoppers killed, 148 seriously injured and
only 357 arrested — all numbers well below last year’s totals. In other retail news, Jeff Bezos reveals that
Amazon is experimenting with a system that would deliver parcels weighing up to
five pounds via drones; heavier packages would be delivered via surplus
World War II howitzers. Some observers express concerns about this concept, but
it gets a rare five-star rating from The Washington Post. Detroit is kicked out of Canada for
shoplifting.
On the
Obamacare front, the administration declares that the federal Web site has been
significantly improved, although there are still occasional glitches, such as
one that enables a Milwaukee woman seeking to compare dental plans to
accidentally launch a tactical nuclear strike against Guatemala. But as
Secretary of Blame Sebelius notes, “This kind of thing happens all the time
with Orbitz.” In other government news,
the Federal Communications Commission meets to consider allowing airline
passengers to talk on their mobile phones in flight, as it has been shown that
this does not interfere with navigational equipment. Other activities that do
not interfere with navigational equipment include blowing air horns, throwing
knives and beekeeping, so WHAT THE HELL LET’S ALLOW THOSE ACTIVITIES ON PLANES,
TOO. Sorry.
In foreign
news, Bermuda offers to return Delaware to the United States; the United States
rejects the offer. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, in a move that raises eyebrows,
officiates at a ribbon-cutting ceremony for a meth lab. On a happier holiday note, the traditional
Christmas Eve service at the Vatican ends with Pope Schwartz going into St. Peter’s
Square and personally leading thousands of the faithful to dinner at a Chinese
restaurant.
As the year
draws to a close, hopes for peace on the Korean peninsula soar when North
Korea’s Kim Jong Un, in what is seen as a conciliatory gesture, sends a gift to
South Korea’s President Park Geun-hye. Unfortunately, the gift — a set of
professional-quality barbells weighing nearly a ton — is delivered via Amazon’s
new “Nowitzer!” system and levels the presidential residence. And with that, this hideous brain-dead zombie
of a year finally staggers off into oblivion, making way for 2014, which surely
will be better, because how could it possibly be worse? Do NOT answer that. Happy New Year.
(By Dave Barry, Washington Post, 30 December 2012)
It was a cruel, cruel year — a year that kept raising our
hopes, only to squash them flatter than a dead possum on the interstate. Example: This year the “reality” show “Jersey
Shore,” which for six hideous seasons has been a compelling argument in favor
of a major Earth-asteroid collision, finally
got canceled, and we dared to wonder if maybe, just maybe, we, as a
society, were becoming slightly less stupid.
But then, WHAP, we were slapped in our national face by the
cold hard frozen mackerel of reality in the form of the hugely popular new
“reality” show “Here
Comes Honey Boo Boo,” which, in terms of intellectual content, makes
“Jersey Shore” look like “Hamlet.” Another
example: As the year began, the hottest recording artist was the brilliant
singer-songwriter Adele,
whose popularity made us think that maybe, just maybe, after years of rewarding
overhyped auto-tuned dreck, we were finally developing more sophisticated
musical tastes, and then ...
WHAP, we were assaulted from all sides by the monster megahit video “Gangnam
Style,” in which a Korean man prances around a variety of bizarre Korean
settings riding an imaginary Korean horse and shouting a song that, except for
the words “Eh, sexy lady,” is entirely in Korean.
It was that kind of year. Remember back in 2011, when the
big sex scandal involved Anthony
Weiner, the ferret-like congressperson who committed political suicide by
tweet? We all thought, “Oh, well, another Washington politician who wants to
regulate everything except his own personal ding-dong. At least there are SOME
institutions, such as the Secret Service, the CIA and the Army, where males in
positions of responsibility can control their ...”
WHAP.
Did anything good come out of 2012? Maybe. Just
maybe. Consider: For years now, Washington has been paralyzed by bitterly
partisan gridlock, unable and unwilling to act in the face of a looming,
potentially disastrous economic crisis. But this year, we, the people, finally
did something about it. We went to the polls,
and we made our decision. Which is why now, as the year ends, we can look
forward to a future in which Washington is ...
WHAP.
So, okay, basically we need to forget about 2012 as soon as
possible. But just so we can remember exactly what it is we need to forget,
let’s pour ourselves a stiff drink and take a look back at the train wreck
we’re staggering away from, starting with ...
January
... in which President Obama, in the State of the Union
address, boldly rebuts critics who charge that his economic policies have been
a failure by displaying the scalp of Osama bin Laden, which a White House aide
carries in a special briefcase. Meanwhile
the race for the Republican presidential nomination, which began in
approximately 2003, continues to be a spicy political gumbo of excitement. The
emerging front runner is Mitt Romney, who combines a strong résumé of executive
experience with the easygoing natural human warmth of a parking meter. Still in
contention, however, is Newt Gingrich, whose popularity
surges briefly, only to wane when voters begin to grasp the fact that he is
Newt Gingrich. This opens the door for Rick Santorum, whose strong suit is that
he has a normal first name, and who apparently at one point was a senator or
governor of Pennsylvania or possibly Vermont.
Abroad, an Iranian nuclear scientist is killed in a
suspicious bomb
blast. Responding to accusations that the United States was behind the
killing, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton declares “we had nothing to do with
it,” adding that if any more Iranian nuclear scientists are killed, “we will
have had nothing to do with that, either.”
In the new year’s first major disaster, the Mediterranean
cruise ship Costa
Concordia goes way off course, hits a rock and sinks. The captain, Francesco
Schettino, is immediately relieved of command and placed in charge of the
Italian economy.
The economic news remains bad in ...
February
... as American motorists struggle to afford ever-higher
gasoline prices, prompting a pledge from President Obama to do “whatever it
takes” to bring relief at the pump, “including killing Osama bin Laden again.”
Mitt Romney responds that he, more than any other candidate, understands the
consumers’ pain over this issue, since he owns “at least 45 cars.”
In Spain and Greece, hundreds of thousands of people take to
the streets in protest against government-imposed austerity measures
necessitated by the fact that for the past five years pretty much nobody in
Spain or Greece has done anything except take to the streets in protest.
Tensions between the United States and Pakistan mount after
eyewitnesses in Waziristan claim that an unmanned U.S. Predator drone robbed a
convenience store. Meanwhile, in what international observers see as a red
flag, Iran places an ad on Craigslist stating, “WE PAY CASH FOR NUCLEAR BOMB
MATERIALS.”
In sports, a little-known athlete named Jeremy
Lin scores numerous points in a professional basketball game despite having
graduated from Harvard. Instantly, he becomes a bigger international star than
all of the Kardashians combined. His image appears everywhere - on TV, magazine
covers, T-shirts, etc. - and for a brief period, he is the leading contender
for the Republican presidential nomination. Then, suddenly - Poof!- he vanishes
without a trace. Looking back on it, we’re not 100 percent sure that “Jeremy
Lin” ever really existed.
In other sports news, Indianapolis, shedding its “hick town”
image, shows that it is truly a world-class city as it hosts Super Bowl XLVI,
in which the Giants seal a dramatic 21-17 victory when Ahmad Bradshaw, with 57
seconds left, reaches the end zone by vaulting over a cow that wandered onto
the field.
Speaking of dramatic, in ...
March
... the endless slog for the Republican presidential
nomination reaches “Super
Tuesday,” with voters going to the polls in 12 states, including New
Hampshire and South Carolina, which have already held primaries but can no
longer remember whom they voted for. It is now clear that Romney has won the
nomination, but Gingrich vows to continue his campaign, lurching gamely onward
despite the tranquilizer darts fired into his neck by his own advisers.
In Florida, the shooting death of Trayvon
Martin sets off a passionate, weeks-long national debate among politicians,
journalists, pundits, talk-show hosts, activists, celebrities, bloggers,
anti-gun groups, pro-gun groups, Al Sharpton and millions of ordinary citizens,
not a single one of whom knows what actually happened.
In Europe, the economic crisis continues to worsen as the
government of Greece, desperate for revenue, is forced to lease the Parthenon
to Hooters. Meanwhile Moody’s Investors Service officially downgrades the
credit rating of Spain to “putrid” after an audit reveals that the national
treasury consists entirely of Groupons.
In the Middle East, tensions rise between the United States
and Pakistan after an unmanned Predator drone destroys the only working toilet
in Waziristan.
In sports, the National Football League imposes stiff
penalties on the New Orleans Saints following the shocking revelation that
some Saints players might have deliberately committed acts of violence against
opposing players for monetary gain, which is of course totally contrary to the
spirit of professional football. Commissioner Roger Goodell states that the NFL
is also investigating disturbing allegations that players sometimes
deliberately knock their opponents to the ground via a violent tactic known as
“tackling.”
The scandals continue in ...
April
... when the U.S. Secret Service acknowledges that agents
sent to Colombia to provide security for President Obama at the Summit of
the Americas allegedly engaged in some unauthorized summiting, if you catch our
drift. The agents are immediately recalled to the United States and reassigned
to former President Clinton.
Abroad, a closely watched attempt by North Korea to test a long-range
rocket capable of carrying a nuclear warhead ends in an embarrassing
failure when, moments before the scheduled launch, the rocket is eaten by North
Korean citizens. Meanwhile in
Waziristan, tensions continue to mount when an al-Qaeda safe house is destroyed
by an unmanned Predator drone missile that apparently gained access by
pretending to deliver a pizza.
In finance, Moody’s downgrades Spain’s credit rating from
“putrid” to “rancid” when the Spanish government, attempting to write a check,
is unable to produce a valid photo ID. Meanwhile the Greek parliament, meeting
in an emergency session on the worsening economic crisis, votes to give heroin
a try.
In domestic business news, Facebook, a company with a
business model that nobody really understands, spends $1 billion to buy
Instagram, another company with a business model that nobody really
understands. Since everybody involved is about 19 years old, Wall Street
concludes this must be a good idea.
In golf, Bubba Watsonwins
a dramatic Masters tournament in a sudden-death playoff when Louis
Oosthuizen, attempting a putt on the par-4 10th hole, suddenly dies, thereby
incurring a three-stroke penalty. Elsewhere in sports, NFL Commissioner Goodell
vows to investigate reports that some members of the New Orleans Saints have,
during games, deliberately called opposing players bad names, which Goodell
notes “could cause low self-esteem.”
On a sad note, beloved entertainer Dick
Clark passes away, although he will continue to host his popular New Year’s
Eve special.
Speaking of sad, in ...
May
... Newt Gingrich finally
suspends his presidential campaign, despite an emotional plea to keep
fightingfrom his base of supporters, namely Mrs. and Mrs. Elrod Pomfurter of Oklahoma City, who, after months of deliberation, had just invested in a bumper sticker.
In other political news, President Obama, who supported
same-sex marriage when he ran for the Illinois Senate in 1996 but opposed it
when he ran for the U.S. Senate in 2004, clarifies his evolving position, which
is that he once again fully supports same-sex marriage, for now. Mitt Romney
reaffirms his long-standing position on the issue, which is that he is in favor
of sex during marriage, but only at night.
Voters in the French
presidential election, rejecting the austerity program of incumbent Nicolas
Sarkozy, choose, as their new leader, Charlie Sheen. In other European economic
crisis news, Greece, seeing a way out of its financial woes, invests all of its
remaining money in the initial public offering of Facebook
stock, which immediately drops faster than Snooki’s underpants.
In sports, Usain Bolt, running in his final tuneup race
before the Olympics, wins the Kentucky Derby.
New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, having dealt with all of
the city’s other concerns — disaster preparation, for example — turns his
attention to the lone remaining problem facing New Yorkers: soft
drinks. For far too long, these uncontrolled beverages have roamed the city
in vicious large-container packs, forcing innocent people to drink them and
become obese. Mayor Bloomberg’s plan would prohibit the sale of soft drinks in
containers larger than 16 ounces, thereby making it impossible to consume
larger quantities, unless of course somebody bought two containers, but
the mayor is confident that nobody except him would ever be smart enough to
think of that.
Another major health-related story breaks in ...
June
... when the U.S. Supreme Court, handing down its
much-anticipated ruling
on Obamacare, decides by a 5 to 4 vote that the Affordable Care Act is
constitutional. Moments after the decision is announced, the justices discover
that, because of a clerical error, the document they have spent the past three
months reviewing is actually the transmission-repair manual for a 1997 Hyundai
Sonata. By a 9 to 0 vote, they decide to say nothing more about this.
In other domestic news, San Francisco, not wishing to be
outdone by New York in the field of caring about the public welfare, bans
beverage containers altogether, requiring restaurants to serve soft drinks by
pouring them directly into their customers’ mouths.
Abroad, England celebrates the 60-year reign of Queen
Elizabeth II with a massive Diamond
Jubilee blowout bash lasting several days, at the end of which members of
the royal family are found wandering around naked as far away as Croatia. Also
many of the Crown Jewels are covered with what appears to be Vaseline.
In the worsening European economic crisis, Greece announces
a new bailout plan that hinges on persuading Germany to buy what Prime Minister
Lucas Papademos describes as “a buttload of Tupperware.”
Tensions in Waziristan mount still higher amid reports that
an unmanned Predator drone missile has been roaming the province engaging in
unprotected sex.
In sports, major league baseball fans are treated to an unusual
spate of no-hitters, all thrown by Usain Bolt. Roger Goodell announces that
the NFL is investigating disturbing allegations that some members of the New
Orleans Saints do not sing during the national anthem.Speaking of disturbing, in ...
July
... the Mexican presidential election — won by Enrique Peña
Nieto of the wonderfully named Institutional Revolutionary Party — is tainted
by allegations of voting fraud after independent observers
note that the “optical scanners” used to count ballots are in fact Sunbeam
toasters. Mexican election officials conduct a recount and conclude that Peña
Nieto has indeed won the election fair and square, as well as the election that
will take place in 2018.
In Moscow, three members of the Russian all-woman punk-rock
group Pussy Riot go on trial for engaging in an anti-government protest. Their cause is
adopted by a variety of concerned organizations, including Amnesty
International and the U.S. Secret Service.
A tragic fatal drama plays out on the streets of New York
City, where police officers fire 183 bullets into a man who, according to
witnesses, was about to take a sip from a Big Gulp, which he apparently
obtained in New Jersey. The shooting is defended by Mayor Bloomberg, who notes
that if the officers had not acted quickly, the man “could have placed himself
in very real danger of becoming obese.”
In science news, a group of physicists announces that, after
decades of research costing billions of dollars, they believe they have
confirmed the existence of the Higgs boson, which according to them is an
extremely exciting tiny invisible thing next to which all the other bosons pale
by comparison. This is breathlessly reported as major news by journalists who
majored in English and whose knowledge of science is derived exclusively from
making baking-soda volcanoes in third grade. Back in the lab, the physicists
enjoy a hearty scientific laugh, then resume the important work of thinking up
names for exciting new invisible things they can announce the discovery of.
In London, the Olympics get under way with a spectacular opening ceremony, climaxing in the dramatic
lighting of the Olympic torch by an unmanned Predator drone, which also takes
out the entire Pakistani team. The only glitch in the ceremony occurs when a streaker
runs onto the track and passes out. He is identified by police as Prince
Philip, still in Diamond Jubilee mode.The partying continues in ...
August
... when Hurricane Isaac fails to dampen the mood in Tampa at the wild and crazy spontaneous
wacky funfest that is the Republican National Convention. The Republicans —
eager to disprove the stereotype that they are the party of old, out-of-touch
rich white men — give their highest-visibility prime-time TV spot to: Clint Eastwood. Clint wows the delegates by delivering a
series of fascinating sentence fragments to a chair that he either does or does
not realize has nobody sitting on it. In
other convention highlights, the Republicans declare their support for the
Middle Class and pass a platform calling on the nation to get the hell off
their lawn.
Tensions continue to rise in the Middle East when Iran
unveils a new surface-to-surface ballistic missile named “Conqueror,” which,
according to an Iranian spokesman, will be used for “agriculture.” Elsewhere in
the troubled region, an unmanned Predator drone hacks Waziristan’s Twitter
account and posts pictures of itself naked.
In the European economic crisis, an increasingly desperate
Greece offers to have sex with Germany.
Closer to home, suspicions that the Mexican military may be
involved with drug trafficking are heightened when a U.S. surveillance
satellite photographs a Mexican army convoy transporting what appears to be a
200-foot doobie.
In space news, NASA scientists cheer as the Curiosity Mars
rover, which was launched from Cape Canaveral in November 2011, finally makes a safe landing. The cheers quickly fade, however,
when an analysis of images transmitted back by Curiosity indicate that because
of a glitch in the navigational software — which coincidentally is the same
type used in the soon-to-be-released iPhone 5 — the Rover has actually landed
in Waco, Tex.
In sports, Usain Boltdominates the London Olympics, picking up gold medals in
three sprint events and winning a world record eight seats in the House of Lords.
Great Britain’s team ignites a national celebration of patriotism, winning
medals in many events, including rowing, paddling, pedaling, croquet, darts,
skiffles, whist, the pudding toss, the 50-meter lawn rake and the men’s
umbrella furl.
Speaking of celebrating, in ...
September
... the Democrats gather in Charlotte, N.C., for their convention, during which they declare their
near-carnal passion for the Middle Class and celebrate the many major
achievements of the Obama administration, including the killing of Osama bin
Laden, solar energy, the winning of the War on Terror by killing Osama bin
Laden, the Chevy Volt, bold presidential leadership in the form of making the
difficult decision to order the killing of Osama bin Laden, wind power, and
many, many other major things that the administration has achieved, such as
killing Osama bin Laden. The Democrats acknowledge that the economy is not
totally 100 percent “there” yet, but promise to continue moving steadfastly
forward with their relentless attacks on the root cause of economic stagnation
and continued high unemployment, namely, George W. Bush.
Abroad, the big story is a deadly 9/11 attack on the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya. It soon becomes apparent
that the attack either was or was not a spontaneous protest to a movie that
either does or does not actually exist, or possibly it was an organized
terrorist attack that either did or did not involve al-Qaeda and either could
or could not have been prevented if there had been better intelligence, which
maybe there was, or maybe there was not, although if there was, it was not
acted on, possibly for political reasons. Or not. But beyond these basic facts,
little is clear. The White House issues a strong statement assuring the nation
that President Obama was not in any way involved in this, “or anything else
that may or may not become known.”
In European economic news, Greece abandons the euro in favor
of a new currency, the gyro, which is backed by some kind of grayish meat.
In labor news, Chicago teachers go on strike over controversial proposed
contract changes that would allow the school board to terminate teachers who
have passed away. Meanwhile, the NFL comes under increasing pressure to settle the referee strike following a game between the San
Francisco 49ers and the Tennessee Titans in which the replacement refs call
four balks and three traveling violations, and ultimately declare that the
winner is the Green Bay Packers. At the end of the month the strike is settled,
and the replacement refs move on to their new role as Florida elections
officials.
In other sports labor action, the National Hockey League locks out its players, lending
credence to rumors that there is still a National Hockey League.
In space news, NASA scientists remotely analyze a soil
sample collected by the Curiosity Waco rover and report that it contains “an
alarmingly high level of spit.”
Apple releases the much-anticipated iPhone 5, which receives some
criticism for its glitchy map software and the fact that it uses a different
connector from all the other iPhones and iPhone accessories. Also, it can
neither make nor receive telephone calls. Nevertheless it is a big hit with
Apple fans, who line up to buy it even as they eagerly anticipate the
forthcoming iPhone 5S, which, rumor has it, will require 3-D glasses.
Speaking of criticism, in ...
October
... President Obama is widely faulted for his performance in
the first presidential debate, during which he appears moody
and detached, several times stopping in mid-answer to go outside to smoke a
cigarette. The debate moderator, veteran PBS newsman Jim Lehrer, at first seems a bit overwhelmed by the task,
but after a few minutes he falls asleep. This leaves the field wide open for a
confident and assertive Mitt Romney, who, in a span of 90 minutes, manages to
explain his five-point economic-recovery plan a total of 37 times, running up
an indoor record presidential-debate score of 185 points. Romney also
demonstrates his understanding of the issues facing ordinary Americans by promising to cut federal funding for Big Bird.
Stung by the defeat, Obama closets himself with his
advisers, who coach him on debating techniques such as smiling, pretending to
listen and forming complete sentences without a teleprompter. Obama is much
more aggressive in the next two debates, at one point pulling out his
BlackBerry on-camera and ordering a missile strike against Syria.With polls showing a very tight race, the final weeks of the campaign are a textbook example of what this great experiment called “American democracy” is all about: two opposing political parties, each with valid positions, spending hundreds of millions of dollars on comically simplistic radio and TV ads designed by consultants to terrify ill-informed half-wits.
But the month’s big story is “superstorm” Sandy, which devastates a large swath of the
Northeast despite the courageous efforts of hundreds of TV news reporters
standing on the beaches telling people to stay off the beaches. New York City
is hit hard, but Mayor Bloomberg responds swiftly, ordering police to arrest
anybody suspected of taking advantage of the disaster by consuming soft drinks
from containers larger than 16 ounces, which could potentially cause them to
become obese.
Fidel Castro, for what is believed to be the 17th time in
the past eight years, dies.
In the month’s most inspiring story, Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner jumps from the Red
Bull Stratos helium balloon 24 miles high and breaks the sound barrier in free
fall, reaching a speed of 834 mph and thrilling a worldwide broadcast audience
before being shot down by a Predator drone sponsored by Monster, a competing
energy drink.
In entertainment news, Walt Disney purchases Lucasfilm and releases a trailer for
the forthcoming “Star Wars Episode VII,” in which Darth Vader is a talking
penguin.
Speaking of surprises, in ...
November
... after an election cycle in which an estimated $6 billion
was spent on races for the presidency and Congress, the American voters — who
by every account are disgusted with Washington and desperately want change —
vote to keep everything pretty much the same. President Obama wins all the key battleground states except
Florida, where, after a week of ballot-counting delays caused by denture
adhesive in the scanners, election officials finally announce that the state’s
29 electoral votes will be awarded to the Kansas City Chiefs.
With the election finally over and the federal government
headed toward a “fiscal cliff” that could plunge the nation back into a
recession, Congress, realizing the urgency of the situation, rolls up its
sleeves and gets on with the crucial job of remaining gridlocked, while President Obama heads for Burma, a vital U.S. strategic
partner located somewhere abroad.
In other election developments, voters in Colorado and
Washington approve the legalization of recreational marijuana use, and also order
$257 million worth of delivery pizzas.
Speaking of nutrition: A bankruptcy court grants Hostess
Brands permission to close its business, posing a serious threat to the
nation’s strategic Twinkie supply. Fortunately, an agreement is worked out
under which Twinkies will be produced by a new entity. Unfortunately, that
entity is: Iran.
In other disturbing national security news, David Petraeus,
director of the Central Intelligence Agency and retired four-star general, is embroiled in scandal for engaging in unauthorized covert
action with his official biographer, Paula Broadwell, who, according to the
FBI, sent threatening e-mails to Tampa social event planner Jill Kelley concerning both Petraeus and
four-star general John Allen, who, while serving as U.S. commander in
Afghanistan, found the time to exchange more than 20,000 pages worth of
communications with Kelley, which means that either they were e-mailing a
Stephen King novel to each other, or they were planning some kind of social
event, if you catch our drift. Petraeus resigns and is immediately placed in
charge of the U.S. Secret Service. The White House issues a statement assuring
the nation that President Obama knew nothing about any of this and was “unaware
of the existence of any so-called Central Intelligence Agency.”
In the World Series, a team with a payroll $65 million
lower than that of the Yankees is defeated by a team with a payroll $80 million
lower than that of the Yankees, leading to the inescapable conclusion that the
Yankees need a bigger payroll.
Toward the end of the month, Secretary of State Hillary
Clinton is dispatched on an urgent mission to try to bring peace to one of the
world’s most troubled spots: the Moultrie, Ga., Walmart, where mobs of crazed
Black Friday shoppers are viciously assaulting each other over discounted
cellphones. Clinton soon realizes the futility of her mission and heads for the
Middle East, where people are more reasonable.
Speaking of troubled, in ...
December
... there is much fiscal-cliff drama in Washington as
Congress and the White House — after months of engaging in cynical posturing
and political gamesmanship while putting off hard decisions about a dangerous
crisis that everyone knew was coming — finally get serious about working
together to come up with a way to appear to take decisive action without
actually solving anything.
On a brighter note: Two months after superstorm Sandy
ravaged New York, electrical power is finally restored to all areas of the
city. It is immediately turned back off by order of Mayor Bloomberg, on the
grounds that electricity can be used to watch television, which the mayor notes
is a leading cause of obesity. In retaliation, the San Francisco City Council
bans molecules, noting that they are “a key ingredient in sugar.”
Speaking of consumer danger: In the largest product recall
ever, the Food and Drug Administration orders supermarkets to pull 148 million
of the new Iranian-made Twinkies off the shelves after one of them explodes,
obliterating most of Cleveland.
In science news, physicists announce that they think they
might have discovered a totally new tiny invisible particle, named the “Weems
foomple,” which the scientists say could be even more important than the Higgs
boson, although to be absolutely certain that it truly exists they say they are
going to need, quote, “billions more research dollars,” as well as “a large
boat.”
On a more troubling note, NASA scientists announce that
their analysis of data transmitted back to Houston by the Curiosity Waco rover
shows conclusively that Earth is uninhabitable.
As the year finally draws to close, a festive crowd gathers
in Times Square for the traditional New Year’s Eve illuminated ball drop,
counting down the seconds and cheering the magical moment when, at the stroke
of midnight, the ball is destroyed by an unmanned Predator drone. This seems to
be a bad omen. Yet, as 2013 dawns, there is hope that maybe, just maybe, the
new year will be better; that this will be the year when we finally break the
cycle of perpetual idiocy, the year when, at long last, we find a way to ...
WHAP.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/dave-barrys-year-in-review-2012/2012/12/18/8aaa4dd2-3f37-11e2-bca3-aadc9b7e29c5_story.html?hpid=z3
Dave Barry’s Year in Review: The
2011 Festival of Sleaze
(By Dave Barry, Washington Post,
January 1, 2012)
It was the kind of year that made a
person look back fondly on the gulf oil spill. Granted, the oil spill was bad. But it did
not result in a high-decibel, weeks-long national conversation about a bulge in a congressman’s underpants. Which is exactly what we had in the Festival of Sleaze
that was 2011.
Remember? There were days when you could not escape The Bulge.
At dinnertime, parents of young children had to be constantly ready to hurl
themselves in front of their TV screens, for fear that it would suddenly appear
on the news in high definition. For a brief (Har!) period, The Bulge was more
famous than Justin Bieber.
And when, at last, we were done with
The Bulge, and we were able to turn our attention to the presidential
election, and the important issues facing
us, as a nation, in these troubled times, it turned out that the main issue, to
judge by quantity of press coverage, was: groping. So finally, repelled by the drainage ditch
that our political system has become, we turned for escape to an institution
that represents all that is pure and wholesome and decent in America today: college football. That was when we started to have fond
memories of the oil spill.
I’m not saying that the entire year
was ruined by sleaze. It was also ruined by other bad things. This was a year
in which journalism was pretty much completely replaced by tweeting. It was a
year in which a significant earthquake struck Washington, yet failed to destroy a single federal agency. It was a
year in which the nation was subjected to a seemingly endless barrage of highly
publicized pronouncements from Charlie Sheen,
a man who, where you have a central nervous system, has a Magic 8-Ball. This
was a year in which the cast members of “Jersey Shore” went to Italy and then — in an inexcusable lapse of border security —
were allowed to return.
But all of these developments,
unfortunate as they were, would not by themselves have made 2011 truly awful.
What made it truly awful was the economy, which, for what felt like the 17th
straight year, continued to stagger around like a zombie on crack.
Nothing seemed to help. President Obama,
whose instinctive reaction to pretty much everything that happens, including
sunrise, is to deliver a nationally televised address, delivered numerous nationally televised addresses on the economy, but somehow these did not do the trick. Neither did the
approximately 37 million words emitted by the approximately 249 Republican-presidential-contender televised debates, out of which the single most memorable statement made was,
quote: “Oops.”
As the year wore on, frustration
finally boiled over in the form of the Occupy Various Random Spaces movement, wherein people who were sick and tired of a lot
of stuff finally got off their butts and started working for meaningful change
via direct action in the form of sitting around and forming multiple committees
and drumming and not directly issuing any specific demands but definitely
having a lot of strongly held views for and against a wide variety of things.
Incredibly, even this did not bring about meaningful change. The economy remained wretched,
especially unemployment,
which got so bad that many Americans gave up even trying to work. Congress, for
example. Were there any positive
developments in 2011? Yes:
• Despite a prophecy by revered
Christian radio lunatic Harold Camping, the world did not end
on May 21.
Come to think of it, that last
development wasn’t totally positive, not when we consider all the other things
that happened in 2011. In case you’ve blotted it out, let’s take one last look
back, through squinted eyelids, at this train wreck of a year, starting with
...
JANUARY
... which sees a change of power in
the House of Representatives, as outgoing Democratic Speaker Nancy Pelosi hands the gavel over to Republican John Boehner, who, in the new spirit of Washington bipartisanship, has
it checked for explosives. In the State of the Union address,
President Obama calls on Congress to improve the nation’s crumbling
infrastructure. He is interrupted 79 times by applause, and four times by
falling chunks of the Capitol ceiling. In other Washington action, Chinese
President Hu Jintao is honored at a White House dinner
for 225 luminaries, who dine on prime rib accompanied by 17,000 little plastic
packets of soy sauce. As the official state gift from the United States,
President Obama presents Hu with a six-pack of Bud Light, this being the only
American product the White House staff can find that is not manufactured in
China.
The month’s biggest story is a tragedy in Tucson,
where a man opens fire on a meet-and-greet being held by U.S. Rep. Gabrielle
Giffords. The accused shooter turns out to be a mentally unstable loner with a
history of drug use; there is no evidence that his actions had anything to do
with uncivil political rhetoric. So naturally the blame for the tragedy is
immediately placed on: uncivil political rhetoric. This results in a nationwide
spasm of civil political rhetoric lasting about two hours, after which
everybody returns to uncivil political rhetoric, which has been the norm in the
United States for two centuries. In
Egypt, demonstrators take
to the streets to protest the three-decade regime of President Hosni Mubarak
following revelations that “Hosni Mubarak” can be rearranged to spell “A Bum
Honks Air.” The movement continues to grow in ...
FEBRUARY
... when “Arab
Spring” anti-government demonstrations
spread from Egypt to Yemen, then to Iraq, then to Libya, and finally — in a
development long feared by the U.S. government — to the volatile streets of
Madison, Wis., where thousands of protesters occupy the state capitol
to dramatize the fact that it’s warmer in there than outside. As the protests
escalate, 14 Democratic Wisconsin state legislators flee to Illinois, where they barricade themselves in a
hotel and, after a heated four-hour debate, decide, by a 7 to 4 vote with three
abstentions, to order room service.
In other national news, a massive
snowstorm paralyzes the Midwest,
forcing a shutdown of Chicago’s O’Hare Airport after more than a dozen planes
are attacked by yetis. President Obama responds with a nationally televised
speech pointing out that the storm was caused by a weather system inherited
from a previous administration. In
Europe, the economic crisis continues to worsen, especially in Greece, which
has been operating under a financial model in which the government spends
approximately $150 billion a year while taking in revenue totaling $336.50 from
the lone Greek taxpayer, an Athens businessman who plans to retire in April.
Greece has been making up the shortfall by charging everything to a MasterCard
account that the Greek government applied for — in what some critics consider a
questionable financial practice — using the name “Germany.”
In a historic episode of the TV quiz
show “Jeopardy!,”
two human champions are swiftly dispatched by an IBM supercomputer named Watson, which
combines an encyclopedic knowledge of a wide range of subjects with the ability
to launch a 60,000-volt surge of electricity 25 feet.
On Broadway, the troubled musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” suffers a setback when three actors and 11 audience
members are injured in what the producers describe as a “catastrophic spandex
failure.” In sports, two storied NFL
franchises, the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Green Bay Packers, meet in Super Bowl XLV,
a tense, back-and-forth battle won at the last minute, in a true shocker, by
Watson the IBM supercomputer. Speaking
of shocking, in ...
MARCH
... the European economic crisis
worsens still further as Moody’s downgrades its credit rating for Spain
following the discovery that the Spanish government, having run completely out
of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China and is now separated from France
only by traffic cones. In domestic news,
the renegade Wisconsin Democratic state legislators are finally captured in a late-night raid by the elite
Wisconsin State Parliamentarian SWAT team, which knocks down the legislators’
hotel room door using a 200-pound, steel-reinforced edition of Robert’s Rules
of Order. The SWAT team then subdues the legislators using what one source
describes as “a series of extremely aggressive cloture votes.”
On the national political front,
Newt Gingrich, responding to a groundswell of encouragement from the voices in
his head, reveals that he is considering seeking the
Republican presidential nomination. He quickly gains the support of the voter
who had been leaning toward Ross Perot.
In tech news, Apple, with much fanfare, unveils the latest model
of its hugely popular iPad tablet computer. The new model, called the iPad 2,
is similar to the original iPad but — in yet another example of the brilliant
customer-pleasing innovation that Apple has become famous for — has a “2” after
it. Apple enthusiasts line up by the thousands to buy the new model, even as
excitement builds for the next iPad, which, according to rumors swirling around
an excited Apple fan community, will feature a “3.”
The troubled musical “Spider-Man: Turn
Off the Dark” suffers yet another setback when four orchestra musicians are
killed by what producers describe as a “freak clarinet accident.” Responding to
the tragedy, President Obama delivers a nationally televised address,
expressing his personal sympathy and noting that Republicans in Congress have
repeatedly blocked the administration’s proposed $37 billion Federal Department
of Woodwind Safety, which would create literally dozens of jobs.
In sports, National Football League
team owners lock out the
players after negotiations break down over the issue of — in the words of NFL
Commissioner Roger Goodell — “locker rooms being littered with reeking
jockstraps the size of hammocks.”
Speaking of negotiations, in ...
APRIL
... a major crisis is barely avoided
when Congress, after frantic negotiations, reaches a last-minute agreement on
the federal budget,
thereby averting a government shutdown that would have had a devastating effect
on the ability of Congress to continue spending insanely more money than it
actually has. Meanwhile the economic
outlook remains troubling, as Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, in a rare
news conference, consumes an entire bottle of gin. Things are even worse in
Europe, where Moody’s announces that it has officially downgraded Greece’s
credit rating from “poor” to “rat mucus” following the discovery that the
Acropolis has been repossessed.
On the political front, the field of
Republican contenders considering running for presidential nomination continues
to expand with the addition of Ron Paul, Rick Santorum and Gary Johnson, all of
whom pose a serious threat to gain traction with the Gingrich voter. Donald Trump
reveals that he, too, is considering running for president, spurred by a
sincere and passionate desire for attention. Trump makes headlines when he
appears to side with the “birther”
movement, questioning whether Barack Obama is in fact a natural-born U.S.
citizen. Under growing pressure to respond, the White House
finally releases a certified copy of a long-form birth certificate that appears
to prove conclusively that Donald Trump is Belgian. Also, biologically female.
Meanwhile the troubled musical
“Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” suffers yet another setback when the actor
playing Peter Parker, the young man who develops superpowers after being bitten
by a radioactive spider, is bitten by an actual radioactive spider. Unfortunately,
instead of superpowers, he develops a world-class case of diarrhea, which makes
for what the show’s producers describe as “some audience unpleasantness during
the flying scenes.” But the month ends
on a joyous note as millions of TV viewers around the world watch Prince William and Catherine Middleton, two young people widely hailed for their down-to-earth
likability and common touch, get married in a wedding costing the equivalent of
the gross domestic product of Somalia.
Speaking of joyous, in ...
MAY
... the big story takes place in
Abbottabad, Pakistan, where Osama bin Laden,
enjoying a quiet evening chilling in his compound with his various wives and
children and porn stash, receives an unexpected drop-in visit from a team of
Navy SEALs. After due consideration of bin Laden’s legal rights, the SEALs
convert him into Purina brand Shark Chow; he is then laid to rest in a solemn
ceremony concluding upon impact with the Indian Ocean at a terminal velocity of
125 miles per hour. While Americans
celebrate, the prime minister of Pakistan declares that his
nation (a) is very upset about the raid and (b) had no earthly idea that the
world’s most wanted terrorist had been living in a major Pakistani city in a
large high-walled compound with a mailbox that said BIN LADEN. “As God is my witness,” states the prime
minister, “we thought that place was a Wal-Mart.”
In domestic affairs, Arnold
Schwarzenegger reveals that he fathered the child
of a member of his household staff; incredibly, he does not follow this up by
announcing that he will seek the Republican presidential nomination. Herman Cain,
however, does enter the GOP race, promising to reach out to as many ... No,
wait, let’s rephrase that: Promising to take firm positions on ... No, sorry,
how about: Promising to appeal to a broad ... Okay, never mind. Former Minnesota
governor Tim Pawlenty also announces his candidacy,
but winds up withdrawing from the race
about midway through his announcement speech when he realizes that his staff
has fallen asleep.
Meanwhile, followers of Christian
radio broadcaster Harold Camping prepare for the Rapture, which Camping has
prophesized will occur at 6 p.m. May 21. But the
fateful hour comes and goes without incident, except in New York City, where,
in yet another setback for the troubled production of “Spider-Man: Turn Off the
Dark,” the entire cast is sucked through the theater ceiling, never to be seen
again.
As the month draws to a close, a
Twitter account belonging to Anthony Weiner
— a feisty, ambitious Democratic up-and-comer who managed to get elected to
Congress despite looking like a nocturnal rodent that somehow got a full-body
wax and acquired a gym membership — tweets a link to a photograph of a pair of
briefs containing what appears to be a congressional member rarin’ to
filibuster, if you catch my drift. This member immediately captivates the
nation, although, surprisingly, President Obama fails to deliver a nationally
televised address about it. The drama continues to build in ...
JUNE
... when Weiner denies that he sent
the photo, although he admits he cannot
say “with certitude” whether the member is or is not his. He finally confesses
to sending the photo, and, as the pressure on him to resign becomes
overwhelming, he is left with no choice but to declare his intention to seek
the Republican presidential nomination.
No, I’m kidding. Weiner resigns and takes
a full-time position in the private sector admiring himself in the mirror.
Meanwhile the Republican field does
in fact continue to grow as Michele Bachmann,
Rick Santorum,Mitt Romney,
the late Sonny Bono and somebody calling himself “Jon Huntsman”
all enter the race, bringing the Republican contender total to roughly
125. In Washington, Congress is under
mounting pressure to do something about the pesky federal debt, which continues
to mount as a result of the fact that the government continues to spend
insanely more money than it actually has. Congress, after carefully weighing
its three options — stop spending so much money; get some more money somehow;
or implement some combination of options one and two — decides to go with
option four: continue to do nothing while engaging in relentlessly
hyperpartisan gasbaggery. Incredibly, this does not solve the debt problem.
The economic crisis is even worse in
Europe, where the Greek government sends out an e-mail to everybody in its
address book claiming it was mugged in London and needs its friends to wire it
some emergency cash so it can get home. This prompts Moody’s to change Greece’s
credit rating to, quote, “a word we can’t say, but trust us, it’s worse than
rat mucus.” But perhaps the month’s most
disturbing development takes place in the Middle East when Iran, which is believed
to be close to developing nuclear weapons, test-fires 14 missiles, including
some capable of threatening U.S. interests, as becomes clear when one of them
plunges through the theater roof during a matinee performance of the troubled
musical “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.”
Speaking of disturbing, in. ..
JULY
... the eyeballs of the nation are
riveted on Orlando, where Casey Anthony
is on trial on charges of being an attractive young woman who is definitely
guilty of murder, according to millions of deeply concerned individuals
watching on TV. The trial becomes an obsession for hundreds of people who are
not in any way connected to the victim, Caylee Anthony, but are so distraught
over her death that they feel compelled to travel to Orlando and lurk around the courthouse
expressing anguish, as opposed to doing something that might actually help one
of the many living children who are at risk but who, unfortunately for them,
are not featured on TV. In a shocking verdict, Anthony is acquitted of murder
and set free, only to be attacked outside the courtroom and have large clumps
of her hair yanked out by outraged prominent TV legal harpy Nancy Grace.
Speaking of drama: In Washington, as
the deadline for raising the federal debt limit nears, Congress and the Obama
administration work themselves into a frenzy trying to figure out what to do
about the fact that the government is spending insanely more money than it
actually has. After hours of intense negotiations, several walkouts, countless
press releases and of course a nationally televised address by the president,
the Democrats and the Republicans are finally able to announce, at the last
possible minute, that they have hammered out a historic agreement under which
the government will continue to spend insanely more money than it actually has
while a very special congressional committee — A SUPER committee!
— comes up with a plan, by a later date, that will solve this pesky problem
once and for all. Everybody involved heaves a sigh of relief and basks in the
feeling of satisfaction that comes from handling yet another crisis,
Washington-style.
But things are not so rosy in
Europe, where the debt crisis continues to worsen with the revelation that
Greece has sold the naming rights to itself and will henceforth be officially
known as the Republic of Burger King. In response, Moody’s lowers Greece’s bond
rating to the point where it is no longer represented by words or letters, just
a brownish stain on the rating document.
In England, the News Corp. media
empire comes under scrutiny for alleged phone hacking
when an investigation reveals that calls to Queen Elizabeth’s private mobile
number are being answered by Rupert Murdoch speaking in a high-pitched
voice. On a positive note, NFL owners
and players are finally able to settle their dispute,
thereby averting the very real danger that millions of fantasy football enthusiasts
would be forced to develop lives. Speaking of threats, in ...
AUGUST
... Standard & Poor’s makes good
on its threat to downgrade the U.S. credit rating,
noting that the federal government, in making fiscal decisions, is exhibiting
“the IQ of a turnip.” Meanwhile Wall Street becomes increasingly jittery as
investors react to Federal Reserve Board Chairman Bernanke’s surprise
announcement that his personal retirement portfolio consists entirely of
assault rifles.
With the stock market in a steep
nosedive, economic growth stagnant and unemployment relentlessly high, the
White House, moving swiftly to prevent panic, reassures a worried nation that
President Obama will once again be vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard,
where he will recharge his batteries in preparation for what White House press
secretary Jay Carney promises will be “a real humdinger of a nationally
televised address.”
In political news, Texas Gov. Rick
Perry announces that he will seek the Republican nomination
with a goal of “restoring the fundamental American right to life, liberty and a
third thing.” But the early GOP leader is Michele Bachmann, who scores a
decisive victory in the crucial Ames, Iowa, Straw Poll,
garnering a total of 11 votes, narrowly edging out Ron Paul and a heifer named
Widget. In what will become a pattern for GOP front-runners, Bachmann’s
candidacy immediately sinks like an anvil in a duck pond. Abroad, a wave of riots sweeps across England
as thousands of protesters take to the streets of London and other major cities
to strike a blow against racism and social injustice by stealing consumer
electronics and designer sneakers.
As the end of the month nears, a
rare 5.8-magnitude earthquake,
with its epicenter in Virginia, rattles the East Coast, shaking buildings from
South Carolina to Maine but causing little damage, except in New York, where a
theatrical set depicting a building topples over onto the cast of “Spider-Man:
Turn Off the Dark.” The producers, determined to escape the bad luck that has
haunted the current theater, move the entire production to New Jersey, which unfortunately
turns out to be directly in the path of Hurricane Irene. Speaking of disasters, in ...
SEPTEMBER
... the worsening European debt
crisis worsens still further when Italy, desperate for revenue, establishes a
National Tip Jar. As markets plunge, the International Monetary Fund, seeking
to prevent worldwide investor panic, announces that it will henceforth be
supplementing its income by selling Herbalife.
In domestic news, President Obama returns from his Martha’s Vineyard
getaway refreshed and ready to tackle the job he was elected by the American
people to do: seek reelection. Focusing on unemployment, the president delivers
a nationally televised address laying
out his plan for creating jobs, which consists of traveling around the nation
tirelessly delivering job-creation addresses until it’s time for another
presidential getaway.
Meanwhile on the Republican side,
Herman Cain surges to the top
of the pile with his “9-9-9” plan,
which combines the quality of being easy to remember with the quality of being
something that nobody thinks will ever actually happen. Seeking to regain
momentum, Rick Perry also comes out with a tax plan, but he can remember only
the first two nines. Adding spice to the mix, Mitt Romney unexpectedly exhibits
a lifelike facial expression but is quickly subdued by his advisers. In what is seen as a sign of public
disenchantment with the political process, voters in New York’s Ninth
Congressional District, choosing a replacement for disgraced Rep. Anthony
Weiner, elect Anthony Soprano, despite the fact that he is a fictional
character and not even Jewish.
Disenchantment is also apparent in
New York’s Zuccotti Park with the birth of the Occupy Wall Street movement, a gathering of individuals who seek to focus the nation’s
attention, laser-like, on the problems of income inequality, greed, corporations,
student loans, hunger, mortgages, health care, deforestation, unemployment,
political corruption, racism, gender discrimination, lack of tents,
consumerism, global climate change, banks, poverty, people wanting to tell
other people where and when they can and cannot drum, fossil fuels, showers,
immigration, animal rights, Internet access, capitalism and many other issues
that will not be resolved until people finally wake up, get off their butts and
start seriously engaging in long-term urban camping.
As the month draws to a close, an
anxious world looks to the skies, as a NASA satellite
weighing more than six tons goes into an uncontrolled reentry, breaking into
fiery pieces that hurtle toward Earth but fortunately come down at sea, where
they do no damage other than sinking a passenger ship that had been chartered
for a recuperation cruise for the surviving cast members of “Spider-Man: Turn
Off the Dark.” The downward trend
continues in ...
OCTOBER
... which sees yet another troubling
development in the world economic crisis when an International Monetary Fund
audit of the 27-nation European Union reveals that 11 of the nations are
missing. “Also,” states the audit report, “the nation claiming to be Slovakia
is in fact Belize using a fake ID.” Meanwhile in Greece, thousands of rioters
take to the streets of Athens to protest a tough new government austerity program
that would sharply reduce the per diem rioter allowance. In Arab Spring developments, Libyan
strongperson and lunatic Moammar Gaddafi
steps down and receives an enthusiastic sendoff from his countrymen, who then
carry him, amid much festivity, to his retirement freezer.
On the domestic protest front, Occupy Wall Street spreads to many more cities, its initially vague goals now replaced
by a clear sense of purpose as occupiers focus on the single issue that is most
important to the 99 percent: bathrooms. Some cities seek to shut down the
protests, but the occupiers vow to remain until there is a reawakening of the
national consciousness. Or, winter.
Attorney General Eric Holder announces that the FBI has uncovered a plot by Iran to
commit acts of terror in the United States, including assassinating the Saudi
ambassador, bombing the Israeli Embassy, and — most chillingly — providing
funding for traveling productions of “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.” On the political front, Sarah Palin announces
that she will not seek the Republican presidential nomination, noting that the GOP field is “already funny enough.”
In technology news, Apple releases
the iPhone that comes after the iPhone 4, which was rumored to be named the
“5,” but which instead is named — talk about innovation — the “4S.” It is of
course a huge hit with Apple fans,
who, upon purchasing it, immediately form new lines outside Apple stores to
await the next breakthrough iPhone, preliminarily rumored to be named the
“4.7.” In sports, one of the most
exciting World Series in
history is won by some team other than the New York Yankees.
Humanity reaches a major milestone
as the United Nations estimates that the population of the Earth has reached 7 billion people,
every single one of whom sends you irritating e-mails inviting you to join
something called LinkedIn. The month
ends on a tragic note when Kim Kardashian, who only 72 days earlier had a
fairy-tale $10 million wedding to the love of her life, professional basketball
player whatshisname, files for divorce,
citing irreconcilable differences in height. “Also,” she states in the filing
documents, “I am a total slut.” Speaking
of fairy tales, in ...
NOVEMBER
... the congressional Supercommittee, after months of pondering what to do about the fact that the
federal government is spending insanely more money than it actually has,
announces that, in the true “can-do” bipartisan Washington spirit, it is giving up.
This means the government will continue spending insanely more money than it
actually has until 2013, at which time there are supposed to be automatic
spending cuts, except Congress would never let that happen, and even if it did
happen, the federal government would still be spending insanely more money
than it actually has. Undaunted,
Democratic and Republican leaders move forward with the vital work of blaming
each other. As it becomes clear that Congress will do nothing, a visibly
frowning President Obama delivers a nationally televised address in which he
vows to, quote, “continue reading whatever it says here on the teleprompter.”
Speaking of the many benefits
provided by the federal government: As Thanksgiving
approaches, the Department of Homeland Security, having apparently handled all
the other terrorist threats, issues a warning, including a scary video,
on the dangers of: turkey fryers. I am not making this item up.
Abroad, the worsening Greek economic
crisis forces Prime Minister George Papandreou to resign, leading
to the formation of a new coalition government headed — in what some economists
view as a troubling sign — by Bernie Madoff.
In domestic politics, the Republican Party is rocked by polls showing
that 43 percent of all likely voters — nearly 55 million people — claim to have
been sexually harassed by Herman Cain. With Rick Perry stumbling and Mitt
Romney continuing to generate the excitement level of a dump fire, the GOP
front-runner becomes none other than that fresh-faced, no-baggage, anti-establishment
Washington outsider ... Newt Gingrich!
Speaking of extraterrestrial
phenomena: Astronomers watch closely as an asteroid 1,300 feet across hurtles extremely close to Earth.
Incredibly — NASA calls it “a one in a billion chance” — the asteroid fails to
hit anyone or anything connected with “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.”
In business news, GM, responding to
fears that the Chevy Volt
might be prone to catch fire, issues a message to the six American consumers
who have actually purchased Volts, assuring them that the car is “completely
safe” and “should never be parked near buildings.” American Airlines
files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, but assures its passengers that “normal flight
operations will remain just as screwed up as before.” The month ends on a reflective note as
Americans pause to observe Thanksgiving very much as the Pilgrims did in 1621,
by pepper-spraying
each other at malls. Speaking of
pausing, in ...
DECEMBER
... Herman Cain announces that he is
suspending his presidential campaign so he can go home and spend more time sleeping in his
basement. This leaves the Republicans with essentially a two-man race between
Gingrich and Romney, which means it’s only a matter of time before we start
hearing the name “Bob Dole.” The U.S.
Postal Service, facing huge losses, announces a cost-cutting plan under
which it will start delivering first-class mail “to totally random addresses.”
The resulting savings will enable the USPS “to continue providing every
American household with a minimum of 145 pounds of junk mail per week.”
Meanwhile, in a vindication for the
Department of Homeland Security, alert passengers aboard a United Airlines
flight foil an apparent terrorist attack when they subdue a man attempting to
deep-fry a turkey in economy class. After the plane makes an emergency landing,
the man is removed by federal agents, who confirm that he was carrying not only
cranberry sauce, but “enough stuffing to choke a buffalo.” Abroad, the member nations of the European
Union, in a last-ditch effort to avoid an economic meltdown, announce that they
are replacing the euro with a new unit of currency, the “pean,” the exchange
rate for which will be linked to the phases of the moon. The goal, according to
the EU announcement, is “to cause American tourists to become even more
confused than they already are.” The plan starts paying dividends immediately
as a pair of elderly ladies from Indianapolis purchase two croissants at a
Paris cafe for six peans and wind up leaving the equivalent of a $3,780 tip.
The economic outlook is also
brighter in Washington, where congressional leaders, still working night and
day to find a solution to the problem of the federal government spending
insanely more money than it actually has, announce that they have a bold new
plan: They will form another committee. But this one will be even better than
the Supercommittee, because it will be a SuperDUPERcommittee, and it will
possess what House and Senate leaders describe, in a joint statement, as
“magical powers.”
So the nation is clearly in good
hands, and as the troubled year finally comes to an end, throngs of New Year’s
revelers, hoping for better times to come, gather in Times Square to watch the
descent of the famous illuminated ball, followed by the rise of what appears to
be a mushroom cloud from the direction of “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark.” But there’s no need to worry: The president
is planning a nationally televised address. So everything will be fine. Happy
new year.
Dave
Barry's Year in Review: Why 2010 Made Us Sick
(By Dave Barry, Washington Post, Jan 2, 2011)
Let's
put things into perspective: 2010 was not the worst year ever. There have been
MUCH worse years. For example, toward the end of the Cretaceous Period, Earth
was struck by an asteroid that wiped out about 75 percent of all of the species
on the planet. Can we honestly say that we had a worse year than those species
did? Yes, we can, because they were not exposed to "Jersey Shore."
So on
second thought we see that this was, in fact, the worst year ever. The perfect
symbol for the awfulness of 2010 was the BP oil spill, which oozed up from the depths and
spread, totally out of control, like some kind of hideous uncontrollable
metaphor. (Or "Jersey Shore.") The scariest thing about the spill
was, nobody in charge seemed to know what to do about it. Time and again, top
political leaders personally flew down to the Gulf of Mexico to look at the situation
firsthand and hold press availabilities. And yet somehow, despite these
efforts, the oil continued to leak. This forced us to face the
disturbing truth that even top policy thinkers with postgraduate degrees from
Harvard University -- Harvard University! -- could not stop it.
The
leak was eventually plugged by non-policy people using machinery of some kind.
But by then our faith in our leaders had been shaken, especially because they
also seemed to have no idea of what to do about this pesky recession. Congress
tried every remedy it knows, ranging all the way from borrowing money from
China and spending it on government programs, to borrowing MORE money from
China and spending it on government programs. But in the end, all of this
stimulus created few actual jobs, and most of those were in the field of
tar-ball collecting. Things were even worse abroad. North Korea continued to
show why it is known as "the international equivalent of Charlie
Sheen." The entire nation of Greece went into foreclosure and had to move
out; it is now living with relatives in Bulgaria. Iran continued to develop
nuclear weapons, all the while insisting that they would be used only for
peaceful scientific research, such as -- to quote President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
-- "seeing what happens when you drop one on Israel." Closer to home,
the already strained relationship between the United States and Mexico reached
a new low after the theft, by a Juarez-based drug cartel, of the Grand Canyon.
This
is not to say that 2010 was all bad. There were bright spots. Three, to be
exact:
1.
The Yankees did not even get into the World Series.
2.
There were several days during which Lindsay Lohan was neither going into, nor
getting out of, rehab.
3.
Apple released the hugely anticipated iPad, giving iPhone people, at long last,
something to fondle with their other hand.
Other
than that, 2010 was a disaster. To make absolutely sure that we do not repeat
it, let's remind ourselves just how bad it was. Let's put this year into a
full-body scanner and check out its junk, starting with ...
JANUARY
...
which begins grimly, with the pesky unemployment rate remaining high. Every
poll shows that the major concerns of the American people are federal spending,
the exploding deficit, and -- above all -- jobs. Jobs, jobs, jobs: This is what
the public is worried about. In a word, the big issue is: jobs. So the Obama
administration, displaying the keen awareness that has become its trademark,
decides to focus like a laser on: health-care reform. The centerpiece of this
effort is a historic bill that will either a) guarantee everybody excellent
free health care, or b) permit federal bureaucrats to club old people to death.
Nobody knows which, because nobody has read the bill, which in printed form has
the same mass as a UPS truck.
The
first indication that the health-care bill is not wildly popular comes when
Republican Scott Brown, who opposes the bill, is elected to the U.S. Senate by Massachusetts voters,
who in normal times would elect a crustacean before they would vote Republican.
The vote shocks the Obama administration, which -- recognizing that it is
perceived as having its priorities wrong -- decides that the president will
make a series of high-profile speeches on the urgent need for: health-care
reform.
In
other economic news, Toyota announces a huge recall following reports
that its popular Camry model is behaving unpredictably -- accelerating,
decelerating, downloading Internet porn and traveling backward in time to
unstable historical periods. This is expected to benefit Toyota's competitors,
especially troubled GM, which is hoping to score big with the new Volt, a
revolutionary vehicle capable of traveling nearly six miles before its 19,500
triple-A batteries must be replaced.
But
January's biggest story, watched with growing alarm by observers around the
world and threatening to force the United Nations to intervene, is the tense
confrontation between Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno over who gets to be on
NBC at 11:35 p.m. and tell jokes until the viewing audience falls asleep at
11:43. After a brutal struggle, Leno triumphs. O'Brien, vowing revenge, flees
into the hills above Los Angeles with a small but loyal band of agents. In other entertainment news, the runaway
movie hit is "Avatar," a futuristic epic about humans who
travel to an alien planet to mine a precious mineral that they believe will
give them the power to emit believable dialogue. This being a James Cameron
movie, they fail. Speaking of alien planets, in ...
FEBRUARY
...
Iran triumphantly announces (we are not making this item up) that it has launched into sub-orbital space a rocket carrying
a rodent, two turtles and several worms. Iranian state television reports that
the nation's space program is "peaceful," and that the rodent (we are
still not making this up) is named "Helmz 1." In U.S. politics, President Obama, responding
to the mounting public concern about jobs, invites Democratic and Republican
congressional leaders to the White House for a historic day-long summit on: health-care reform. Despite their deep
philosophical differences, the two sides are able, after hours of
sometimes-heated debate, to hammer out an agreement on when to break for lunch.
They fail to make any progress on health care, although in his closing remarks,
Obama notes that the historic summit produced "only minor furniture
damage."
In
business news, Toyota suffers yet another blow when a U.S. Department of
Transportation study links the Camry to both diabetes and the JFK
assassination. The chief executive of Toyota appears before a congressional committee and
offers a sincere and heartfelt apology for his company's problems. At least,
that's what his translator claims; it is later determined that what the chief
executive actually told the committee was, quote, "You have an eggplant in
your bottom." Speaking of
apologies: Tiger Woods delivers a nationally televised
speech in which he says he is very, very sorry and has sworn off having sex
with as many as eight different hot women per day. His golf game immediately
goes into the toilet. In other sports
news, the Vancouver Winter Olympics begin on an uncertain
note when it is discovered that Vancouver -- apparently nobody realized this
ahead of time -- is a seaside city with a mild climate, so there is no snow.
This hampers some of the competition, such as when the Latvian cross-country
ski team gets bogged down in mud and is eaten by alligators. Despite these
setbacks, the games are deemed a big success, at least by the Canadians,
because they won in hockey. In Super
Bowl XMLLMMXVIIX, the underdog New Orleans Saints defeat the Indianapolis Colts,
setting off a celebration so joyous that people on Bourbon
Street are still throwing up.
Speaking of celebrations, in ...
MARCH
...
Democratic congressional leaders, responding to polls showing that the
health-care bill is increasingly unpopular with the public, manage, with a
frantic, last-minute effort, to pass the health-care bill, or, at least, a giant
mass of paper that is assumed to be the health-care bill. This leads to a
triumphant White House signing ceremony, the highlight of which is Vice
President Joe "Joe" Biden dropping the f-bomb moments before being hustled
off by aides to have an important meeting with somebody important. Everyone at the ceremony agrees that the new
law is historic and will become hugely popular with the American people once
they have the opportunity to hear a few dozen more high-profile speeches about
it from Obama. But opposition is "brewing" in the form of the Tea
Party movement, consisting of regular Americans who are fed up with costly
big-government programs except for Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid.
These activists are determined to elect a new breed of representatives who are
not career politicians or even necessarily sane.
In
international news:
*
Greece asks the International Monetary Fund whether it can borrow 17 billion
euro for "cigarettes."
*
Somali pirates, becoming increasingly brazen, seize the Staten Island Ferry.
*
Iranian hero space rodent Helmz 1 is captured attempting to scurry across the
Lebanese border into Israel. Iran claims this is a peaceful mission, but the
Israelis note that Helmz 1 is wearing a tiny backpack filled with enough
explosives to -- in the words of one military analyst -- "put somebody's
eye out."
On a more
hopeful note, on March 27 people in more than 4,000 cities around the world
turn off their lights in observance of Earth Hour, saving an estimated 45
million megawatts of electricity -- enough to power one of Al Gore's houses for
nearly three days. But the environment
suffers a big setback in ...
APRIL
...
when the Deepwater Horizon rig explodes in the Gulf of
Mexico after being struck by a runaway Toyota Camry. BP initially downplays the
magnitude of the problem, claiming that the resulting oil leak is smallish and
might go away on its own or even prove to be, quote, "nutritious for
oysters." Soon, however, large patches of crude oil are drifting toward
land, and it becomes clear that this is a major disaster -- a challenge that
we, as a nation, will have to meet, as we have met other challenges, with a
combination of photo opportunities, lawsuits and tweeting. Elsewhere on the disaster scene, Iceland's Eyjafjallajökull (literally, "many
syllables") volcano erupts, sending huge clouds of ash into the atmosphere
and forcing airlines throughout northern Europe to ground flights. Greece,
although not directly affected, announces it will take six months off, just in
case; France, as an added precaution, surrenders.
In
domestic news, Arizona passes a controversial new law designed
to crack down on illegal immigrants; this draws a sharp rebuke from the Mexican
government, currently headquartered in Tucson.
Obama outlines his bold vision for the U.S. space program, calling for a manned mission
to establish comprehensive health-care reform on Mars by the mid-2030s. The
president also signs a historic arms-reduction treaty with Russian President
Dmitry Medvedev under which both countries will destroy one-third of their
older nuclear missiles by upgrading them to Windows Vista. In a related
development, Iran purchases $78 million worth of used nuclear-missile parts on
Craigslist.
Speaking
of growing menaces, in ...
MAY
...
the pesky Deepwater Horizon oil spill dominates the news as BP tries a series
of increasingly desperate measures to plug the leak, including, at one point, a
167,000-pound wad of pre-chewed Juicy Fruit. Obama, eager to show that he is on
top of the situation, develops severe forehead cramps from standing on the shore and frowning with concern
at the water. Meanwhile, Congress holds televised hearings that establish,
beyond any reasonable doubt, that Congress is very upset about, and totally
opposed to, large oil spills. Despite these heroic efforts, the leak continues
to grow and by the end of the month is threatening suburban Des Moines. On the terrorism front, New York police,
alerted by Times Square street vendors, discover a smoking SUV packed with explosives -- a
violation of many city ordinances, including the ban on smoking. Fortunately,
the car bomb is disarmed, and a suspect is later captured at Kennedy Airport by
sharp-eyed Transportation Security Administration workers trained to spot
suspicious behavior. Ha, ha! Just kidding, of course. The suspect is captured by U.S. Customs agents at the
last minute after boarding a Dubai-bound plane filled with passengers who, like
the suspect, all had been carefully screened by the TSA to make sure they were
not carrying more than three ounces of shampoo. In other air-travel news, the
boards of directors of United and Continental approve a merger that will create one of the
world's largest airlines, with a combined total of 700 planes, 88,000
employees, and nearly two dozen packets of peanuts.
But
the big financial news is the May 6 stock market "Flash Crash." The Dow at
one point is down nearly 1,000 points, including a drop of 600 points in five
minutes, resulting in what financial analysts say is the largest mass purchase
of emergency replacement underwear in Wall Street history. The Securities and
Exchange Commission investigates the crash and later issues a 350-page report concluding: "You know that
E-Trade baby? In the commercials? With the grown man's voice? That baby is
REAL." Abroad, thousands of people riot in the streets of Athens to protest a report
by the International Monetary Fund concluding that Greece should "think
about maybe getting a part-time job."
In sports, yet another major-league pitcher pitches yet another perfect game, and the baseball world wets its
collective pants, because there is nothing more exciting to a true baseball fan
than a game in which one of the teams can't even manage to get on base. The excitement mounts in ...
JUNE
...
as the Deepwater Horizon oil leak continues to gush, with each day bringing
alarming new media reports claiming that it is an even worse environmental
disaster than had been reported the previous day. The furor culminates in a New
York Times story stating that eventually all the oil in the world will leak out
through the hole in the Gulf floor and cover the entire planet with a layer of
oil 27 feet deep, which according to the Times would be "potentially
devastating for polar bears." BP attempts to stop the leak using a
high-tech robot submarine, only to see the effort fail when the sub is seized
by Somali pirates. In Washington, the chief executive of BP appears before an angry
House Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations, which votes unanimously,
after seven-and-a-half hours of testimony, to give him a noogie. Still,
somehow, the oil keeps leaking.
Rolling
Stone magazine publishes a controversial article in which Gen. Stanley A. McChrystal, the top U.S.
commander in Afghanistan, is quoted as saying that the Beatles's version of
"Twist and Shout" is better than the one by the Isley Brothers. Obama
has no choice but to relieve the general of his command. Abroad, U.S. intelligence intercepts a
top-secret cable from Iran to North Korea, apparently written in code, stating:
"Thanks for selling us the buclear beapons." In response, the United
States threatens to impose harsh new sanctions that, in the words of Secretary
of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, "will make the previous harsh sanctions
that we threatened to impose seem like only moderate threatened sanctions, and
this time we are not kidding around."
On
the world economic front, thousands of rock-throwing rioters take to the
streets of Athens and Rome to protest punishing new austerity measures under
which they would no longer be provided free rocks by the government. In consumer news, Apple finally releases the long-awaited iPhone 4, which
incorporates many subtle improvements, the cumulative result of which is that
it can neither make nor receive telephone calls. It is, of course, a huge
hit. In sports, the World Cup gets underway in South Africa; despite
fears of violence, the massive event is totally peaceful, except for the
estimated 13,000 people who leap to their deaths from the tops of stadiums to
escape the sound of the vuvuzelas. The early tournament highlight (which
we are not making up) is provided by the French team, which, after getting off
to a bad start, goes on strike. Speaking
of bad, in ...
JULY
...
the Deepwater Horizon oil spill officially becomes, according to the news
media, the worst thing that has ever happened, with environmental experts
reporting that tar balls have been sighted on the surface of the moon. Just
when all appears to be lost, BP announces that it has stopped the leak, using a
75-ton cap and what a company spokesperson describes as "a truly heroic
manatee named Wendell." Although oil is no longer leaking, much damage has
been done, so this important story remains the focus of the nation's attention
for nearly 45 minutes, after which the nation's attention shifts to Lindsay Lohan.
In
other national news, Congress passes and Obama signs into law a financial-reform act
designed to curb Wall Street excesses by mandating the death penalty for
anybody caught wearing a watch costing more than a house. Having guaranteed
that the financial community will behave in a responsible manner, Washington
returns to the important work of running up the deficit. On the foreign economic front, anger builds
over plans by the governments of both Greece and France to raise the retirement
age, which means workers would have to continue striking for several years
longer before they could start collecting pensions. In protest, everybody in
both nations goes on strike.
In
the World Cup final, Spain defeats Holland, only to have the trophy snatched
away by the North Korean team, which, despite a U.S. threat of "really,
really harsh sanctions," turns it over to the Iranian team, which was not
even in the tournament. Eerily, all of this was predicted by a psychic octopus
named Paul, who is immediately hired by Goldman Sachs. But the big sports story is the decision by LeBron James, announced in a one-hour
television special watched by a worldwide audience estimated at 127 billion, to
take his talents to South Beach and play for the Miami Heat, where he will join
Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Michael Jordan, the late Wilt Chamberlain and Jesus to
form a dream basketball team so supremely excellent that it cannot possibly
lose, not even one single game, ever, in theory. Miami erupts in a joyous
weeks-long victory celebration. During the excitement, Fidel Castro dies, an
event that goes unreported in the Miami Herald, which has devoted all its staff
resources to a nine-part series speculating on whom LeBron will select as his
dentist. The month ends on a troubling
note as the U.N. Security Council votes unanimously to send a peacekeeping
force to quell Mel Gibson. Speaking of
troubling, in ...
AUGUST
...
concern over the direction of the U.S. economy deepens when Federal Reserve
Chairman Ben Bernanke, in what some economists see as a sign of pessimism,
applies for Canadian citizenship.
In
other economic news, the first family, seeking to boost Gulf tourism, vacations in Panama City, where Obama,
demonstrating that the water is perfectly safe despite the oil spill, plunges
in for swim. Quick action by the Secret Service rescues him from the jaws of a
mutant 500-pound shrimp sprouting what appear to be primitive wings. The first
family hastily departs for Martha's Vineyard to demonstrate that the water is
also perfectly safe there.
Speaking
of getaways: JetBlue flight attendant Steven Slater becomes a
national sensation when he curses out a passenger, deploys the evacuation
chute, grabs two beers and slides out of the plane. He is immediately hired as
director of customer relations by the TSA.
In the month's most dramatic story, 33 copper miners in Chile are trapped 2,300 feet
underground following a cave-in caused by a runaway Toyota Camry. The good news
is that the men are still alive; the bad news is that the only drilling
equipment capable of reaching them quickly belongs to BP. Informed of this, the
men elect to stay down there for the time being. In legal news, Elena Kagan is sworn in as the newest Supreme
Court justice, having established, in three days of testimony before the Senate
Judiciary Committee, that she went to either Harvard or Yale. Elsewhere, a
federal jury deadlocks on 22 of 24 charges against former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, convicting him only of, quote,
"being some kind of enormous rodent." Outside the courtroom,
Blagojevich tearfully thanks his supporters, then robs a convenience
store. In New York, the big issue is a
proposal to build, two blocks from Ground Zero, a Muslim community center, which proponents claim
will promote dialogue. Even in the purely conceptual phase, it promotes a huge
amount of dialogue, to the point where National Guard troops may need to be
called in. Another heartwarming interfaith story erupts in ...
SEPTEMBER
...
when Terry Jones, pastor of a tiny church in Florida, declares that he will
proceed with plans to burn a Koran on Sept. 11. The media, recognizing
that this is not really news, ignore him, and the matter is quickly
forgotten. But seriously: Jones becomes
a major international story, comparable in magnitude to all of the Kardashians combined. Obama speaks out against
Jones's plan, as do members of Congress, the military and virtually every
American religious leader; abroad, there are fatal riots. Finally, after a
great deal of soul-searching television exposure, Jones decides not to burn the
Koran, explaining, "I finally figured out that I'm just an
attention-seeking jerkwater idiot." The news media vow never again to
encourage this kind of mindless hysteria. Abroad, the rioters agree to stop
taking everything so darned seriously.
Getting
back to reality: The 2010 election season enters its final days with
polls showing that Congress enjoys the same overall level of voter popularity
as hemorrhoids. Incumbents swarm out of Washington and head for their home
districts to campaign on the theme of how much they hate Washington, in the
desperate hope that the voters will return them to Washington. Obama, basking
in the glow of the health-care reform act, offers to campaign for Democratic
candidates, only to find that many of them have important dental appointments
and are unable to join him on whatever day he is planning to visit. Adding zest
to the Republican stew is the presence of many Tea Party candidates, including
Delaware Senate hopeful Christine O'Donnell, who at one point in her campaign
releases a TV commercial that begins with her stating, in a calm and reassuring
tone, that she is not a witch.
Meanwhile
in Chile, an attempt to deliver food to the 33 trapped copper miners ends in a
tragic accident involving what mining officials describe as "an incredibly
courageous Domino's driver."
Speaking of tragic, in ...
OCTOBER
...
the U.S. economy suffers another blow as the Federal Bureau of Never Expecting
Unemployment to Be As High As It Actually Is reports that, for the 37th
consecutive month, unemployment is unexpectedly high. "Darned if we didn't
get fooled again!" exclaims a bureau spokesperson, adding, "We expect
it to be lower next month." Meanwhile, Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke,
speaking from his new office in Toronto, announces a plan to drastically
increase the U.S. money supply by "quantitative easing," a
controversial process involving what Bernanke describes as "a major job
for Kinko's."
The
economy remains the big theme as the congressional elections enter the home
stretch, with incumbents from both parties declaring their eagerness to go back
to Washington and knock some sense into whatever incompetent morons are in
charge. Polls show that the voters are in a very cranky mood, which tends to
favor outsiders such as the Tea Party candidates, although O'Donnell definitely
hurts her chances in Delaware when, during a televised debate, she turns her opponent into a
toad.
Obama,
continuing his quest to find candidates willing to accept his help, winds up
campaigning in what White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs describes as
"some very key student council races." Meanwhile, Sarah Palin,
raising her stature as a potential 2012 GOP presidential contender, weighs in
on the issues with a number of important tweets.
On
the legal front, the Supreme Court, as it does every October, begins a new
term, which is hastily adjourned when the justices discover that their robes
have bedbugs. In the month's most
dramatic story, the 33 trapped Chilean miners are all brought safely to the
surface, only to be sent right back down because they failed to bring up any
copper -- which, as the mining company points out, "was the whole point of
sending them down there in the first place." Meanwhile, in France,
millions of workers again take to the streets to demonstrate, in no uncertain
terms, that they are French.
Elsewhere
abroad, terrorists in Yemen attempt to send mail bombs to
the United States, confirming the long-held suspicions of U.S. intelligence
that there really is a country named "Yemen." The plot, which
involves explosives concealed inside printer cartridges, is foiled, but as a
precaution the TSA decides to prohibit air travelers in the States from
carrying anything capable of printing, including pens, pencils and children in
grades two through five. In sports, the
National Football League, seeking to reduce violence, imposes stiff fines for
defensive beheading. Speaking of gory,
in ...
NOVEMBER
...
the elections turn out to be a bloodbath for the
Democrats, who lose the House of Representatives, a bunch of Senate seats, some
governorships, some state legislatures and all of the key student council
races. Also, a number of long-term Democratic incumbents are urinated on by
their own dogs. Obama immediately departs for a nine-day trip to Asia to see if anybody over there wants
to hear about the benefits of health-care reform.
Speaking
of health: Some air travelers express concern about radiation from the TSA's new high-resolution scanners, especially
after screeners at O'Hare are seen using one to make popcorn. TSA chief John
Pistole insists that the scanners are completely safe "as long as you move
through quickly." He also assures passengers that their body images
"are not saved for any purpose whatsoever, such as entertainment at the
TSA Christmas party." Nevertheless, some passengers refuse to be scanned;
they are required to undergo a manual procedure that is known, within the
agency, as "the full gerbil."
World
tension mounts as North Korea, in what is widely seen as a deliberate act of
provocation, fires artillery shells at Denver. Meanwhile, in another indication
of the worsening global debt crisis, the directors of the International
Monetary Fund vote to have Ireland's legs broken.
The
U.S. economy also continues to struggle, as the unemployment rate, catching
everybody by surprise, turns out to be higher than expected for yet another
month. The lone bright spot is provided by the president's deficit-reduction
commission, which, after months of work, releases a draft of a tough plan that,
if Congress can muster the backbone to enact it, would reduce the deficit by
trillions of dollars and put the nation on the path back to fiscal sanity. This
is a welcome bit of comic relief in the stressed-out capital; everybody enjoys
a hearty bipartisan laugh, then gets back to maneuvering for the 2012
elections.
In
other entertainment news, Bristol Palin's bid to win "Dancing With the
Stars" falls short when the judges throw out 147 million votes
from Palm Beach County, Fla. She winds up finishing third, behind actress
Jennifer Grey and Vice President Biden. In
sports, Obama's upper lip is injured in a basketball game
when he is hit in the mouth by an elbow believed to have been thrown by North
Korea.
International
tension continues to mount in ...
DECEMBER
...
with the continued release by Wikileaks of classified cables leaked
from the State Department, which apparently has the same level of data security
as an Etch A Sketch. The cables reveal a number of embarrassing diplomatic
secrets, such as:
* The
last three rounds of Middle East peace talks have consisted entirely of
delegates playing Twister.
* The
Republic of Tajikistan and the Republic of Uzbekistan frequently, as a prank,
exchange places in the United Nations, and nobody has ever noticed.
*
High-ranking officials of Scotland, speaking in private, admit that they don't
understand what the hell they're saying, either.
* In
2007, Hungary paid $170 million to Russia for pictures of Sweden naked.
In
domestic politics, a partisan debate rages over what to do about the expiring
Bush tax cuts. The Democrats, suddenly alarmed about the deficit, want to raise
taxes on people making $250,000 a year -- or, as the Democrats routinely refer
to them, "billionaires." The Republicans want to extend tax cuts for
everybody, but compensate by cutting federal spending at a later date using an
amazing new spending-cutting device they have seen advertised on TV. Finally, Obama and the Republican leaders reach a compromise under which income-tax rates
will stay the same for everybody, but the death tax will be expanded to include
people who are merely hung over. Also, in a concession to the Iowa
congressional delegation, the federal government will continue to fund a
"green energy" program under which corn is converted into ethanol,
which is then converted back to corn, which is then planted to grow more corn.
This will cost $5 billion a year, but it is expected to save or create
literally dozens of Iowa jobs.
Obama,
trying to sell the compromise, appears ambivalent, saying that "it is less
than ideal," but also pointing out that "it totally sucks,"
adding, "I hate it." Despite this smooth sales pitch, many Democrats are unhappy. There is even talk of
a primary challenge to Obama in 2012, a notion dismissed as
"nonsense" by Hillary Clinton, who speaks to reporters while
traveling on what aides describe as routine State Department business in New
Hampshire. In another potential setback
for the president, a federal judge in Virginia rules that the
health-care reform act violates the Constitution's tonnage clause.
On
the environmental front, delegates from 193 countries at the U.N. Climate Change Conference in Cancun, Mexico,
pass a resolution stating that they should not have had those last four rounds
of margaritas.
In
television news, Fidel Castro makes a surprise guest appearance on "The
Walking Dead."
Speaking
of entertainment: As the year finally draws to a close, all eyes are on Seaside
Heights, NJ, where MTV plans to ring in the new year by dropping a ball containing Nicole "Snooki"
Polizzi, one of the leading bimbos of "Jersey Shore."
Millions eagerly tune in, only to find that the ball has been attached to
something that makes it drop slowly. A bitterly disappointing end to a bitterly
disappointing year. But at least it's
over, right? And we can take comfort in the fact that 2011 cannot possibly be
worse. Unless, of course, this newly discovered asteroid -- maybe you read
about it -- continues on a trajectory that ... Try not to think about it. Have
another margarita. Happy New Year.
Dave
Barry is making most of this up. Unfortunately, some of the most bizarre items
are real. He can be reached at wpmagazine@washpost.com.
Lowlights
of a Downer Year:
Dave
Barry on the money, madness and misery of 2009
By Dave Barry, Washington Post, December 27, 2009)
It
was a year of Hope -- at first in the sense of "I feel hopeful!" and
later in the sense of "I hope this year ends soon!" It was also a year of Change, especially in
Washington, where the tired old hacks of yesteryear finally yielded the reins
of power to a group of fresh, young, idealistic, new-idea outsiders such as
Nancy Pelosi. As a result, Washington, rejecting "business as usual,"
finally stopped trying to solve every problem by throwing billions of taxpayer
dollars at it, and instead started trying to solve every problem by throwing
trillions of taxpayer dollars at it. To
be sure, it was a year that saw plenty of bad news. But in almost every
instance, there was offsetting good news:
Bad news: The
economy remained critically weak, with rising unemployment, a severely
depressed real-estate market, the near-collapse of the domestic automobile
industry and the steep decline of the dollar.
Good news: Windows
7 sucked less than Vista.
Bad news: The
downward spiral of the newspaper industry continued, resulting in the firings
of thousands of experienced reporters and an apparently permanent deterioration
in the quality of American journalism.
Good news:
A lot more people were tweeting.
Bad news: Ominous
problems loomed abroad as -- among other difficulties -- the Afghanistan war
went sour, and Iran threatened to plunge the Middle East and beyond into
nuclear war.
Good news: They
finally got Roman Polanski.
In short, it
was a year that we will be happy to put behind us. But before we do, let's
swallow our anti-nausea medication and take one last look back, starting with
...
January
... during
which history is made in Washington, where a crowd estimated by the
Congressional Estimating Office at 217 billion people gathers to watch Barack
Obama be inaugurated as the first American president ever to come after George
W. Bush. There is a minor glitch in the ceremony when Chief Justice John G.
Roberts Jr., attempting to administer the oath of office, becomes confused and
instead reads the side-effect warnings for his decongestant pills, causing the
new president to swear that he will consult his physician if he experiences a
sudden loss of sensation in his feet. President Obama then delivers an upbeat
inaugural address, ushering in a new era of cooperation, civility and
bipartisanship in a galaxy far, far away. Here on Earth, everything stays
pretty much the same.
The No. 1 item
on the agenda is fixing the economy, so the new administration immediately sets
about the daunting task of trying to nominate somebody -- anybody -- to a
high-level government post who actually remembered to pay his or her taxes.
Among those who forgot this pesky chore is Obama's nominee for Treasury
secretary, Timothy F. Geithner, who sheepishly admits that he failed to pay
$35,000 in federal self-employment taxes. He says that the error was a result
of his using TurboTax, which he also blames for his involvement in an
eight-state spree of bank robberies. He is confirmed after the Obama
administration explains that it inherited the U.S. Tax Code from the Bush
administration.
Elsewhere in
politics, a team of specially trained wildlife agents equipped with nets and
tranquilizer darts manages, after a six-hour struggle, to remove Illinois Gov.
Rod Blagojevich from office. He is transported to an undisclosed swamp, where
he is released into the wild and quickly bonds with the native ferret
population.
On a more
upbeat note, the nation finds a new hero in US Airways Capt. Chesley
Sullenberger, who in an astonishing feat of aviation manages to land a
passenger jet safely in the Hudson River after it loses power shortly after
takeoff from LaGuardia airport. Incredibly, all 155 people on board survive,
although they are immediately taken hostage by Somali pirates.
In
entertainment news, an unemployed California mother of six uses in-vitro
fertilization to give birth to eight more children, an achievement that
immediately catapults her to a celebrity status equivalent to that of a minor
Kardashian sister. But even this joyous event is not enough to cheer up a
nation worried about the worsening economy, which becomes so bad in ...
February
... that
Congress passes, without reading it and without actually finishing writing it,
a stimulus package totaling $787 billion. The money is immediately turned over
to American taxpayers so they can use it to stimulate the economy. No! What a crazy idea THAT would be! The
money is to be doled out over the next decade or so by members of Congress on
projects deemed vital by members of Congress, such as constructing buildings
that will be named after members of Congress. This will stimulate the economy
by creating millions of jobs, according to estimates provided by the
Congressional Estimating Office's Magical Estimating 8-Ball.
Despite this
heroic effort, the economy continues to stumble. General Motors, which has sold
only one car in the past year -- a Buick LaCrosse mistakenly purchased by an
87-year-old man who thought he was buying a power scooter -- announces a new
four-part business plan, consisting of (1) dealership closings; (2) factory
shutdowns; (3) worker layoffs; and (4) traveling backward through time to 1955.
The stock market hits its lowest level since 1997; this is hailed as a great
investment opportunity by all the financial wizards who failed to let us know
last year that the market was going to tank. California goes bankrupt and is
forced to raise $800 million by pawning Angelina Jolie.
The Obama
administration's confirmation woes continue as Thomas A. Daschle is forced to
withdraw as nominee for secretary of Health and Human Services following the
disclosure that he, too, failed to pay all of his federal taxes. He blames this
oversight on the fact that his tax returns were prepared by Treasury Secretary
Geithner.
The Academy
Awards are a triumph for "Slumdog Millionaire," which wins eight
Oscars, only to have them stolen by Somali pirates.
In sports, the
Pittsburgh Steelers win the Super Bowl, defeating some team in a game that we
have all completely forgotten. Michael Phelps is suspended from competitive
swimming following publication of a photograph clearly showing that he has
gills. Baseball star Alex Rodriguez admits that from 2001 through 2003 he used
steroids, which he claims he got from Treasury Secretary Geithner. And speaking of shocking disclosures, in ...
March
... an angry
nation learns that the giant insurance company AIG, which received $170 billion
in taxpayer bailouts and posted a $61 billion loss, is paying executive bonuses
totaling hundreds of millions of dollars. This news shocks and outrages Obama
and members of Congress, who happen to be the very people who passed the
legislation that authorized both the bailouts and the bonuses, but of course
they did that during a crisis and thus had no time to find out what the hell
they were voting for. To correct this situation, some congresspersons propose a
90 percent tax on the bonuses, followed by beheadings, followed by the passage
of tough new financial legislation that nobody in Congress will read or
understand.
In other
economic news, the chief executive of GM resigns under pressure from the White
House, which notes that it inherited the automobile crisis from the Bush
administration. GM is now essentially a subsidiary of the federal government,
which promises to use its legendary business and marketing savvy to get the
crippled auto giant back on its feet, starting with an exciting new lineup of
cars such as the Chevrolet Consensus, a "green" car featuring a
compressed-soybean chassis, the world's first engine powered entirely by dew,
and a 14,500-page owner's manual, accompanied by nearly 6,000 pages of
amendments.
Businessman
Bernard Madoff pleads guilty to bilking investors out of $65 billion in a Ponzi
scheme, forcing the Obama administration to withdraw his nomination for
secretary of commerce.
The annual
observance of Earth Hour is observed with one hour of symbolic energy
conservation as hundreds of millions of nonessential lights and appliances are
turned off. And that's just in Al Gore's house.
In sports and
entertainment news, former NFL great Lawrence Taylor, appearing on
"Dancing with the Stars," accidentally rips off his partner's arms
during the cha-cha competition. The judges award Taylor 453 points out of a
possible 30, citing his "energy" and "proximity."
Abroad, North
Korea, in what many observers view as a deliberate act of provocation, calls
Domino's and, posing as the United States, orders 23 million pizzas delivered
to Japan. International problems
continue to dominate in ...
April
... as leaders
of the world's powers, looking for a way out of the worsening world economic
crisis, gather in London for the G-20 summit, which ends abruptly in a violent
argument over the bill for the welcoming dinner. A short while later, in what
many economists see as a troubling development, the International Monetary Fund
moves into a refrigerator carton.
In other
international bad news, North Korea launches a test missile that experts say is
capable of hitting Hawaii, based on the fact that it actually hits Hawaii. The
United States swiftly pledges to issue a strongly worded condemnation
containing "even stronger words than last time."
On the domestic
front, the struggling Chrysler Corp. declares bankruptcy, but its chief
executive confidently predicts that the company will come back "bigger,
better and stronger than ever," thanks to its 2010 product line,
spearheaded by the all-new Dodge Despair.
The big health
story in April is the rapid spread of swine flu, a dangerous new virus strain
developed by the makers of Purell. Public anxiety over the flu increases when
Vice President Biden, demonstrating his gift for emitting statements, declares
on the "Today" show that he would not recommend traveling by
commercial airplane or subway. A short while later, White House spokesman
Robert Gibbs assures reporters that he is "not aware of any 'Vice
President Biden.' " In another embarrassment for the White House, New York
is temporarily thrown into a panic when Air Force One flies low over Manhattan
for a publicity photo shoot. Responding to widespread criticism, Gibbs notes
that Obama inherited Air Force One from the Bush administration.
On a more
positive note, an American ship captain is dramatically rescued from Somali
pirates by a team of Navy SEAL sharpshooters, who are immediately hired by
"Dancing with the Stars" to assist with the judging of Lawrence
Taylor. Speaking of drama, in ...
May
... the finale
of "American Idol" produces a shocking outcome that sends shock waves
of shock reverberating around the planet when the winner turns out to be --
incredibly -- that guy singer, what'shisname, despite the fact that the
overwhelming favorite was that OTHER guy singer. Congress vows to hold hearings
after reports surface that, of the nearly 100 million votes, 73 million were
phoned in by ACORN.
But the big
political drama takes place in Washington, where Justice David Souter announces
that he is retiring from the U.S. Supreme Court because he is tired of getting
noogies from Chief Justice Roberts. To replace Souter, Obama nominates Sonia
Sotomayor, setting off the traditional Washington performance of Konfirmation
Kabuki, in which the Democrats portray the nominee as basically a cross between
Abraham Lincoln and the Virgin Mary, and the Republicans portray her more as
Ursula the Sea Witch with a law degree. Sotomayor will eventually be confirmed
but only after undergoing the traditional Senate Judiciary Committee hazing
ritual, during which she must talk for four straight days without expressing an
opinion.
In crippled
U.S. auto giant news, General Motors announces a new business plan under which
it will fire everybody but Howie Long, who will continue to make what GM calls
"some of the most popular commercials on the market." Meanwhile,
Chrysler, looking to the future, invests $114 million in an Amway
distributorship.
On the
international-tension front, a meeting of the U.N. Security Council to discuss
possible sanctions against North Korea is forced to adjourn hastily when the
council chamber is penetrated by a missile.
In sports,
Helio Castroneves wins the Indianapolis 500, although his victory is somewhat
tainted by the fact that all 32 of the other cars were hijacked by Somali
pirates. Major League Baseball suspends Dodger slugger Manny Ramirez for 50
games after his urine sample explodes.
But all of these stories suddenly seem unimportant in ...
June
... when pop
superstar Michael Jackson dies, setting off an orgy of frowny-face,
TV-newsperson fake somberness the likes of which has not been seen since the
Princess Diana Grief-a-Palooza. At one point, experts estimate that the major
networks are using the word "icon" a combined total of 850 times an
hour. Larry King devotes several weeks to in-depth coverage of this story, during
which he conducts what is believed to be the first-ever in-casket interview;
this triumph is marred only slightly by the fact that the venerable TV
personality apparently believes he is talking to Bette Midler.
On the economic
front, California is caught on videotape attempting to shoplift 17,000
taxpayers from Nevada. General Motors files for bankruptcy and announces a new
sales strategy under which it will go around at night leaving cars in people's
driveways, then sprint away.
In political
news, the Minnesota Supreme Court, clearly exhausted by months of legal
wrangling, declares Al Franken the winner of "American Idol."
Meanwhile, the governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford, goes missing for six
days; his spokesperson tells the media that the governor is "hiking the
Appalachian Trail," which turns out to be a slang term meaning
"engaging in acts of an explicitly non-gubernatorial nature with a woman
in Argentina." The state legislature ultimately considers impeaching
Sanford but changes its mind upon discovering that the lieutenant governor, who
got into office through some slick legal maneuvering when nobody was paying
attention, is Eliot Spitzer. Political
news continues to dominate in ...
July
... when Sarah
Palin unexpectedly announces that she will not complete her term as elected
governor of Alaska, explaining, in a prepared statement, that she has a hair
appointment. Asked by reporters if she plans to seek the Republican
presidential nomination, she replies, "You leave my personal life out of
this." Elsewhere in state politics, the FBI arrests pretty much every
elected official in New Jersey on suspicion of being New Jersey elected
officials.
On Independence
Day, the nation takes a welcome break from its worries to celebrate in
traditional fashion with barbecues, parades and -- as night falls --
spectacular aerial North Korean missile detonations.
In government
news, top Washington thinkers, looking for a way to goose the economy along,
come up with the "Cash for Clunkers" program, under which the federal
government provides a financial inducement for people to take functional cars,
which are mostly American-made, to car dealers, who deliberately destroy these
cars and sell the people new replacement cars, which are mostly foreign-made.
This program, which was budgeted for $1 billion, ends up costing $3 billion and
is halted after a month. The administration declares that it has been a huge
success, which everybody understands to mean that it will never, ever be
repeated. With this mission accomplished, the top Washington thinkers are free
to train all of their brainpower on the nation's health-care system.
Obama becomes
embroiled in controversy when, commenting on the arrest of Harvard professor
Henry Louis Gates Jr. by Cambridge Police Sgt. James Crowley, he states that
the police "acted stupidly." This comment angers many in the
law-enforcement community, as the president discovers the next day when his
motorcade is cited for more than 3,000 moving violations. To resolve the
situation, the president invites both Gates and Crowley to the White House for
a "beer summit," which is described later by White House spokesperson
Gibbs as "very amicable" except for some "minor tasering."
Speaking of
conflict, in ...
August
... Obama, in
the first serious test of his presidency, announces that he will send U.S.
troops to rescue Democratic members of Congress pinned down in town hall
meetings by constituents firing hostile questions concerning the administration's
health-care plan, which turns out not to be wildly popular outside of the
immediate Capitol Hill area. The president dismisses concerns that his
health-care agenda is in trouble, observing, "There's something about
August going into September where everybody in Washington gets all wee-weed
up." White House spokesperson Gibbs explains that the "vast
majority" of the wee-wee was inherited from the Bush administration.
In foreign
affairs, former president Bill Clinton goes to North Korea to secure the release
of two detained American journalists who purely by coincidence happen to be
women. Fidel Castro, after nearly a year out of the public eye, appears on the
popular Cuban television show "Bailando con Cadáveres" ("Dancing
With Corpses"). California, in a
move apparently intended to evade creditors, has its name legally changed to
South Oregon.
In an alarming
technological development, hackers shut down Twitter, leaving a desperate and
suddenly vulnerable America with no way to find out what the Kardashian sisters
are having for lunch. The Federal Emergency Management Agency urges the nation
to "remain calm" and "use Facebook if you can." Twitter
service is eventually restored, but most of the estimated 875 million thoughts
that went untweeted during the outage will never be recovered, making it the
nation's worst social-networking disaster ever.
Speaking of disruptions, in ...
September
... Obama,
speaking on health care before a joint session of Congress, is rudely
interrupted by Kanye West, who grabs the microphone and declares that Beyoncé
has a better health-care plan. No, wait, sorry: The president is rudely
interrupted by Republican congressman Joe Wilson, who shouts, "You
lie!" Wilson later apologizes for his breach of congressional etiquette,
saying, "I should have just mooned him." With public support for the administration's
health-care plan continuing to slip, the president orders U.S. troops into Fox
News, then goes on a media blitz, appearing, in a three-day span, on "Meet
the Press," "Face the Nation," "Meet the Nation,"
"Face the Press," "Press Your Face Against the Nation,"
Letterman, Leno, Judge Judy, Iron Chef and "Dog the Bounty Hunter."
The president also delivers a back-to-school speech to the nation's students,
telling them to work hard and get a good education. Fortunately, thanks to the
vigilance of the talk-radio community, many parents realize that this is some
kind of secret socialist code message and are able to prevent their children
from being exposed to it.
In international
news, Iran shocks the world by revealing the existence of a previously secret
uranium enrichment facility. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad insists that
the uranium will be used only for "parties." U.N. nuclear inspectors
note, however, that "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad" can be rearranged to spell
"Had Jammed a Humanoid" and "Hounded a Jihad Mamma."
On the
international-finance front, leaders of the world's economic powers gather for
the G-20 summit meeting in Pittsburgh, where, in a rare display of unity, they
vote unanimously to fire whomever is responsible for selecting their meeting
sites. Speaking of questionable site
selection, in ...
October
... the
International Olympic Committee meets in Copenhagen to decide whether Chicago,
Rio de Janeiro, Tokyo or Madrid will host the 2016 summer games. Chicago is
considered a strong candidate, but despite personal appeals for the city from
Obama, first lady Michelle Obama, Mayor Richard M. Daley, Oprah Winfrey and the
late Al Capone, the committee, in an unexpected decision, votes to hold the
games in Pyongyang, North Korea. The head of the IOC insists that the decision
was "made freely and without coercion," adding, "for the love of
God, please abort the launch." On a
happier note for the White House, President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize,
narrowly edging out Beyoncé.
In the Middle
East, hopes for peace soar when Iran announces that it will allow U.N.
inspectors to visit its nuclear-enrichment facility. Hopes plunge soon after
when the inspectors report that they were taken to what appears to be a hastily
abandoned kebab stand with a hand-painted sign that says "NUCLEAR
ENRICHMENT," as well as what the inspectors describe as "numerous
health-code violations."
In Afghanistan,
U.N. investigators raise questions about the recent national election, noting
that a third of the votes cast for President Hamid Karzai came from Palm Beach
County. On the celebrity front, a
remorseful David Letterman confessed to his stunned audience that he has been
hiking the Appalachian Trail with female staff members.
But the big
story in October, the story that grips the nation the way a dog grips a rancid
squirrel, is the mesmerizing drama of a silver balloon racing through the blue
skies above central Colorado, desperately pursued by police, aviation and
rescue personnel who have been led to believe that the balloon contains O.J.
Simpson. No, that would have been great,
but the authorities in fact have been led to believe that the balloon contains
6-year-old Falcon Heene, the son of exactly the kind of parents you would
expect to name a child Falcon. It quickly becomes clear that the boy is not in
the balloon, and the whole thing is a hoax perpetrated by attention-seeking
reality-show-wannabe idiots. In other words, nothing really happened, so
naturally the media go into a week-long Category 5 frenzy so intensive that
Larry King is forced to temporarily interrupt his ongoing postmortem coverage
of the Michael Jackson funeral. Speaking
of attention-seeking reality-show-wannabe idiots, in ...
November
... a
Washington couple, Tareq and Michaele Salahi, penetrate heavy security and
enter the White House, a feat that Joe Biden has yet to manage. As details of
the incident emerge, an embarrassed Secret Service is forced to admit that not
only did the couple crash a state dinner, but they also met and shook hands
with the president, and they "may have served briefly in the
Cabinet."
In other White
House news, the president, in a much-debated post-Thanksgiving decision,
announces that he is sending U.S. troops into the electronics departments of
1,400 Best Buy stores to prevent Black Friday shoppers from killing one another
over flat-screen TVs. Hours later, the president withdraws the troops, calling
the situation "hopeless." Press Secretary Gibbs notes that the
president inherited Black Friday from the Bush administration.
Attorney
General Eric H. Holder Jr. announces that, to maintain the principle of due
legal process, alleged Sept. 11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed will be tried
in federal court in New York City, but as a precaution, "he will be
executed first."
In sports, the
New York Yankees, after an eight-year drought, purchase the World Series. But
the month's big sports story involves Tiger Woods, who, plagued by tabloid
reports that he has been hiking the Appalachian Trail with a nightclub hostess,
is injured in a bizarre late-night incident near his Florida home when his SUV
is attacked by golf-club-wielding Somali pirates.
In science
news:
· The Large
Hadron Collider is restarted after a 14-month delay caused by squirrels
stealing the particles.
· Elated NASA
scientists announce that they have discovered ice on the moon, although their
excitement fades when they calculate that getting it back to Earth will cost
$185 million per cube.
· Researchers
from MIT and Harvard announce that they have sequenced the genome of a horse.
They are arrested when police discover that "sequencing the genome"
is the scientific slang equivalent of "hiking the Appalachian Trail."
In a troubling economic development, the U.S. dollar, for the first time in
history, falls below the lentil. Speaking of troubling, in ...
December
... Obama,
after weeks of pondering what to do about the pesky war situation he inherited,
announces a decision -- widely viewed as a compromise -- in which he will send
30,000 additional troops to Afghanistan but will name their mission
"Operation Gentle Butterfly."
On the economic
front, the nation's unemployment rate remains stubbornly high as it becomes
clear that the $787 billion stimulus package has created a total of only eight
jobs, all in the field of highway-construction flagperson. Looking for
solutions, the president hosts a White House "jobs summit" attended
by political, business and labor leaders, as well as 23 Portuguese tourists who
got lost while trying to visit the Washington Monument and somehow penetrated
White House security. Meanwhile, in what is believed to be the largest
Craigslist transaction ever, California sells San Diego to Mexico.
On the
environmental front, Copenhagen hosts a massive international conference aimed
at halting manmade global warming, attended by thousands of delegates who flew
to Denmark on magical carbon-free unicorns. In the Middle East, U.N. nuclear
inspectors become suspicious when Iran attempts to ship to Israel, via UPS, a
large crate labeled "HARMLESS ITEMS -- DELIVER BEFORE TIMER REACHES
00:00." There are other troubling
year-end developments:
· In a setback
for U.S. interests in Central America, voters in Honduras elect, as their new
president, Rod Blagojevich.
· The
international space station is taken over by Somali pirates.
· In sports,
roughly 40 percent of the U.S. bimbo population announces that it has at one
time or another hiked the Appalachian Trail with Tiger Woods.
Also, as the
year draws to a close, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention releases
an urgent bulletin warning of a new, fast-spreading epidemic consisting of
severe, and in some cases life-threatening, arm infections caused by
"people constantly sneezing into their elbow pits." But despite all
the gloomy news, the holiday season brings at least temporary relief to a
troubled nation -- especially the children, millions of whom go to sleep on Christmas
Eve with visions of Santa in his reindeer-powered sleigh flying high overhead,
spreading joy around the world. With a
North Korean missile flying right behind.
Try not to think about it. And Happy New Year.
Dave Barry
is making most of this up. But not all. He can be reached at
wpmagazine@washpost.com.
