(By Lee Michael Katz, The Washingtonian, May 2012)
Dear
citizens of our great (and surprisingly affordable!) Commonwealth:
I am pleased
to report on the Chock full o'Nuts® rich and robust state of Virginia. As you
may have seen from our Amazon.com® listings and my infomercial, my plan to sell
naming rights to state property has been a Life Saver,® curing our depressed
state as readily as Prozac® wipes away your blues. Since my privatization effort, there have
been a lot of changes. Many of you in Northern Virginia have been stuck in our
Slim-Fast® Beltway renovations. But don't worry--we will have Lexus® Lanes for
those discriminating travelers who can afford to pay more for both their car
and their quicker driving routes. These
should clear traffic along our state's highways, from iPad®-395 to I-66, now
known as Grandma's Molasses®Expressway.
I'm pleased
some of our neighbors have joined our approach. This summer, a boring backup en
route to the beach in Maryland will get additional zing as you cross the newly
christened Old Bay® Bridge. A while
back, our great Commonwealth had to cut out some highway bathroom facilities.
We're reopening them now that Depend® has become the sponsor of our highway
system. This winter, budget problems in clearing roadways were eased by our
Morton Salt® trucks. This should make traveling easier on Route 29, now Lee
Jeans® Highway, and AARP® Route 50. Our
approach has been so successful that we've extended it to schools. The initials
will remain the same for prestigious Thomas Jefferson High School--known simply
as TJ--but it will now offer "the Maxx for the minimum."® We're also
healing some divisions from our Confederate history: Stonewall Jackson in
Manassas is now Long Fence® High School.
In these
troubled times, we've had to cut funding drastically for Virginia colleges. I
am pleased to report that we will be able to make up for these reductions by
turning to the private sector. As a conservative, I had a lot to swallow in
changing the name of William & Mary, the nation's second-oldest college, to
the College of Ben & Jerry's.® But those lefties made us an impressive cash
offer, including all the Chunky Monkey® pints we can dish out at state
functions. To allow students to compete in today's global environment, George
Mason has been given a bit of Italian flair as Giorgio Armani ®
University.
We've
updated other state institutions, too. While further cutting hours as well as
staff handling car registration, our new, soothing-pink Pepto-Bismol® DMV
Centers should make the wait easier to stomach. Or just go online to take
advantage of our $19 Groupon® for Virginia drivers' licenses without taking the
pesky test. As I speak to you from our
historic residence, Frappuccino® Mansion, the Bounty® of our Commonwealth is
stronger than ever. I know there's talk
of my being an ideal choice for the Republican vice-presidential nomination.
Much like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!,® I am flattered by the comparison.
But I
reassure you, my customers--uh, constituents--that my mind is focused on my job
in Richmond. Even with my Staples Easy Button,® there is much to be done before
I can consider U-Haul®ing my family into the Vice President's residence at the
soon-to-be Sunkist® Naval Observatory in Washington, District of Chipotle.®
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