Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Everybody Panic- Why The Internet Is Running Out Of IP Addresses And What Happens Now


We’ve Finally Hit The Breaking Point For The Original Internet
(By Brian Fung, Washington Post, 02 July 2015)
 
It's finally happened. The North American organization responsible for handing out new IP addresses says its banks have run dry.  That's right: ARIN, the American Registry for Internet Numbers, has had to turn down a request for the unique numbers that we assign to each and every smartphone, tablet and PC so they can talk to the Internet. For the first time, ARIN didn't have enough IP addresses left in its stock to satisfy an entire order — and now, it's activated the end-times protocol that will see the few remaining addresses out into the night.
 
IP addresses are crucial to the operation of the Internet. They're the numbers behind URLs like "google.com" or "facebook.com." They identify every device that connects to the Web, from servers to connected cars. The original designers of the Internet thought they'd only need around 4 billion unique combinations, derived from the series of dots and digits that make up IP addresses everywhere.  How wrong they were.
By 2020, humanity will be living alongside 25 billion Internet-connected devices, according to Gartner researchers. The rising global demand for Web-enabled devices is far outstripping the original system's ability to keep up. Left, uh, unaddressed, this problem would have put a stranglehold on the Web, keeping it from growing. It would've kept you from using new devices like smartwatches or smart refrigerators. Entirely new technologies we haven't dreamt of might never have emerged. We'd have been stuck with the Internet that we now have, forever.
If you haven't already guessed, we have a backup system in place so that Xboxes and Playstations of the future can continue to get online. Internet engineers have actually been anticipating this day for decades. To understand how they've solved it, let's let one of the original designers of the Internet explain:  “The solution is known as IPv6, short for ‘version 6.’ It's an upgrade of the old IP numbering system, known as IPv4. While it won't replace the old system, it's considered the future of the Internet. It has to be, by necessity. At ARIN, large requests for IPv4 addresses will now be subject to rationing or waitlisting.  The number of days remaining before depletion are dwindling," wrote Richard Jimmerson, ARIN's chief information officer, in a blog post Thursday. "It is very likely that we are already processing a request that we will be unable to fulfill."
Some companies, such as Google, flipped the switch on IPv6 in 2012, and the number of devices, Web sites and Internet providers supporting IPv6 has been growing.  Not every company has made the jump yet — it takes more elbow grease and money than not doing anything at all. But the switch is inevitable. We've already passed the point where Internet-connected devices outnumber people, and the original system is at its breaking point.  Luckily, IPv6 offers 340 trillion trillion trillion possible unique combinations. Hopefully this will last us a while.
Everybody Panic- Why The Internet Is Running Out Of IP Addresses And What Happens Now
by John Biggs on February 2, 2011
 
Something is about to rend the very fabric of our existence: we’re about to run out of IPv4 IP addresses, the old 255.255.255.255 number patterns that identify most of our forward facing servers. How bad is it? Well, not that bad because it will take a good year or so for everything to really go pear shapes, but when it does expect a zombie uprising, dogs and cats living together, and a slow, methodical move to IPv6.
We spoke to Owen DeLong, an IPv6 Evangelist fromHurricane Electric about the problem.
CG: Did you see the size of those things out there? What caused the great god Cthulhu and his monstrous, four-storey, porcine handmaidens to rise from the heart of the Earth, laying waste to our cities? What happened to IPv4 to cause all this?
Owen: IPv4, as you probably know, uses a 32-bit address. Yesterday, APNIC received the last 2 blocks to be allocated through the normal IANA process.
Thursday morning, the final 5 IPv4 blocks in the IANA free pool will be distributed according to a global policy, one each to the 5 RIRs. This will be in a ceremony and press conference starting at 9:30 AM local in Miami, FL.

CG: So how long before we all die?
O: This is the first phase of running out of IPv4 addresses. The next phase will be
when the Regional Internet Registries start having to deny requests because there is not enough space left to satisfy them. It is currently projected for that to happen in about 6-9 months, but, there is a lot of variability. Nobody can provide an actual certain date because demand and allocation rates vary quite a bit.
Is a moving 6-week average in terms of /8s per month issued by each of the RIRs. As you can see, there’s a lot of variation week-to-week and wide variation between the various RIRs. APNIC has been pretty steadily increasing their rate of consumption since 2008, but ARIN and RIPE show a slow down in late 2008, a lull through 2009 and 2010, and now are showing another ramp up. Literally anything could happen to these lines and predicting trends is quite difficult. I expect that the IPv4 free pool remaining at the RIRs will probably run out sooner than most predictions rather than later.
CG: This is horrible. I have kids. This sounds like that one scene in The Road where the Man fills the bathtub after looking out the window. What should we do?
O: The answer is that we need to migrate the internet to a newer version of Internet Protocol… IP version 6 (or IPv6 for short). While IPv4 provides 3.2 billion globally unique addresses for hosts, IPv6 provides more than
340,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
unique addresses. (That’s 3.4×10 to the 38th or 340undecillion, if you don’t want to count the zeroes).
There was a lot of effort spent trying to find a way to expand the address space while keeping it backwards compatible with IPv4, but, at the end of the day, both hosts had to know about larger addresses and there was no way to avoid having to update every system, application and device that needed to handle addresses and make network connections. For the last 15+ years, that’s been work in progress and most hosts are now able to use IPv6 (Windows Vista and later, MacOS X 10.4 and later, and any reasonably modern version of Linux, for example). Most backbone network equipment has been upgraded already.
However, there are still some big gaps in IPv6 deployment. Most home networking equipment, much of the last-mile service provider equipment, and virtually all consumer electronics are not yet capable of IPv6. Many content providers have not yet embraced IPv6. Most commercial applications and the vast majority of “in-house” applications have not yet been updated for IPv6. Network-enabled video games are another area of concern. I don’t know of a single one that has embraced IPv6.
CG: Who are some of the flat-Earthers in this situation? Who will be first against the wall when the IPv6 New World Order arrives?
O: I’ve spoken to some major producers, such as Blizzard (responsible for the popular World of Warcraft among other titles), and received responses ranging from “we don’t think there’s a need” to “we don’t think IPv6 will ever get deployed.”
Shared addressing technologies such as “NAT444″ are going to cause new challenges and even outright breakage in applications like instant messaging, video on demand, voice over IP, and more. Network enabled video games are going to be particularly hard hit by these address sharing technologies as will any other “peer to peer” applications.
CG: Is this the end for you my friend?
Hopefully events this week will serve as a wake up call for any organizations still thinking that IPv6 is some distant future thing they might have to worry about later. IPv6 is happening now and anyone that isn’t working on adapting to an increasingly IPv6 world is going to find themselves way behind in a few months.
Before the end of this year, growth in users with direct IPv4 access will not only stop, but, in order to make addresses available for address sharing technologies to preserve minimal IPv4 functionality for new customers, likely residential users will start losing the direct IPv4 access they enjoy now and be migrated to more shared address solutions. The functionality of the internet today will require migrating to IPv6 even just to get back to where we are now, let alone to continue advancing new applications and technologies.
CG: What are some resources for programmers who want to start programming for IPv6?
This site contains some good reference material, sample application code, and a tutorial on porting applications from IPv4-only to dual stack capability in C, PERL, and Python. Programmers in other languages should be able to use these to get a general idea of what is needed in their languages as well.
CG: Do you have an IPv6 “Go Bag” for escaping when the stuff really hits the fan? Where are you going to hide?
Both my network and my employers network are fully deployed with IPv6. We’re running full production grade dual-stack environments, so, we really aren’t too worried about the impact on our environments at this time. Instead, we’re trying to help get the word out and assist others who are a bit behind in the transition. We’ve started offering consulting and training services to assist others in their migrations.
CG: Why did this have to happen? Why weren’t a bunch of 1960s Bell Labs hippies smart enough to add more numbers to the IP addressing system? Why, Owen, Why?
The internet really started in the 70s as a DARPA research project. At the time, there were 60 or so institutions expected to connect. As the interested research community grew, the addressing scheme was expanded from 8 bits (256 addresses in the predecessor to Internet Protocol (IP) known as Network Control Protocol (NCP)) to 32 bits (the IPv4 addresses we have today). At the time, it was still expected that the internet would serve largely defense, research, and educational institutions. It was essentially a laboratory experiment on a really large scale. The expectation was that 3.2+ billion addresses would be way more than enough for the anticipated few million users. At the time, nobody had even thought of the world wide web or any consumer applications for the internet.
It was something advanced computer students and researchers used to exchange messages and trade software and information. There were no graphics, no web sites, and speed was measured in kilobits per second.
The introduction of the world wide web in the early 1990s was a major turning point in internet history. The web is the tool that allowed the rat to escape from the laboratory and start breeding in the real world. In essence, we completely lost control of the experiment and it started breeding uncontrollably in the wild. Researchers realized the problem almost immediately and work on IPv6 began in the mid 1990s, resulting in early IPv6 RFCs and implementations from 1998 forward. The community has been working towards IPv6 deployment in earnest since about 2002, but, it’s been a tough sell with management and others because it was perceived as a cost without any additional revenue. There was no new killer app. like the World Wide Web to jumpstart IPv6 mainstream deployment. It also didn’t help that standards organizations like the broadband forum dragged their feet quite a bit. Standards for DSL implementations of IPv6 were not finalized until November of last year.
At this point, we are where we are. We’re running out of unused IPv4 addresses very soon and we’re way behind where we should be on IPv6 deployment and trying to play catch-up. There’s value in learning from history, but, not a lot of point in looking back to place blame on people for not knowing then what we know today.
CG: So in the end, I might be overreacting, right?
O: This really just means that there are new tradeoffs between existing functionality of the IPv4 internet and continued expansion until we can get things moved over to IPv6. Nobody dies, nothing becomes fundamentally broken. The internet doesn’t grind to a sudden halt. Many users may have their existing functionality reduced in order to support additional users. That’s about the worst real consequence.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Steve Martin

Steve Martin In The Spotlight
(By Richard Goodman, December 15, 2010)

Steve Martin has been in the news this past month because of a talk he gave and how the audience reacted to him not being wild and crazy or even slightly zany. Never mind the fact that the talk was done to help publicize the release of his new book, which is a dramatic tale set in the art world. His previous two books were also subdued ventures, although they were tinged with humor of the sly and intelligent type. If this current book, which I just bought, is anything like The Pleasure Of My Company or even Shopgirl, it will be well worth reading but I’m not expecting another Pure Drivel simply because that hasn’t been the direction he’s been going lately. I wish I had been at that discussion because I would have loved it, knowing what I do about his recent literary ventures and being eager to hear him discussing the art world. The audience at his talk didn’t seem to realize that though and had their expectations calibrated wrong. They tried to hold him accountable to their expectations rather than his own so everyone came out of the evening feeling disappointed. Martin felt so off-put that he wrote a letter to the New York Times to discuss the matter. Since I have such a high regard for Steve Martin’s writing and career (minus three or four of his movies), I wanted to share his letter to the Times plus a recent career evaluation I read back in March and just for good measure, I’m throwing in two of my favorite Martin pieces from a few years back (from Pure Drivel, I believe).

******************************

The Art of Interruption
(By Steve Martin, New York Times, Dec 4, 2010)

Last Monday, at the 92nd Street Y in New York, I took part in a conversation about a novel I had written. The book is set in the art world, and my conversation partner was Deborah Solomon, an art scholar and a writer for this newspaper, as well as a friend. Some years ago, she and I had conducted a similar conversation in Washington to discuss my art collection. It was lively and entertaining, and I couldn’t think of a reason that this evening would not go as well. Because it’s an honor to speak at the Y, we agreed to do the event for free.

When I arrived for Monday’s talk, I was informed that it would be telecast on closed-circuit TV across the country. What I wasn’t told was that the viewers were going to be encouraged to send in e-mails during the discussion; what I didn’t expect was that the Y would take the temperature of those e-mailed reactions, and then respond to them by sending a staff member onstage, mid-conversation, with a note that said, “Discuss Steve’s career.” This was as jarring and disheartening as a cellphone jangle during an Act V soliloquy. I did not know who had sent this note nor that it was in response to those e-mails. Regardless, it was hard to get on track, any track, after the note’s arrival, and finally, when I answered submitted questions that had been selected by the people in charge, I knew I would have rather died onstage with art talk than with the predictable questions that had been chosen for me. Since that night, the Y has graciously apologized for its hastiness- and I am pleased to say that I look forward to returning there soon, especially to play basketball.

Now let me try to answer the question you might be asking yourself at this point: was I boring? Yes, I might have been. In hindsight, I probably should have read a few pages from my book to give the audience a feel for it, and I did struggle with a few explanations. But I was not lazy and neither was Deborah. We were both working very hard at our task. I have no doubt that, in time, and with some cooperation from the audience, we would have achieved ignition. I have been performing a long time, and I can tell when the audience’s attention is straying. I do not need a note. My mind was already churning like a weather front; at that moment, if I could have sung my novel to a Broadway beat I would have.

But I can’t help wondering what we might have said if we hadn’t been stopped. Maybe we were just around the corner from something thrilling. Isn’t that the nature of a live conversation? It halts, it stutters, it doubles back, it soars. We might have found a small nugget, something off topic or unexpected, that wouldn’t have warranted the refund that was offered. If the e-mailers could have lived with “I am unamused” for just a little longer, or had given us some understanding based on past performance, or even a little old-fashioned respect, something worthwhile, unusual or calamitous might have emerged. Who knows, maybe I would have ended up singing my novel.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/12/05/opinion/05martin.html?_r=1&src=fbmain


******************************

It’s me again. I don’t think I completely agree with the central assertion of this next article- that Steve Martin is successful because he is selling nostalgia, either for earlier eras or for his own earlier brand of comedy- but I do like the fact that it tries to pin down why Martin has become so respected and successful lately. I think his current relevance is a result of the fact that he is able to deftly go between – and sometimes mix- intelligent and lowbrow tastes. For example, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels had many scenes of physical comedy but there were also many layers of plot and character motivation sandwiched between the gags. It was a convoluted, mind-melting con game in terms of both plot and execution but you laughed your ass of the whole time your brain was working through the machinations and that is just one instance from his canon. Roxanne and LA Story do the same thing but with a sweeter edge. The Spanish Prisioner does it with bitter edge and Shopgirl does it with a melancholic tone.

Also, I feel like Steve Martin is more in tune with the general population than many other actors or performers. Yes, he’s more intelligent than any of us, he’s richer and more famous, and even- oddly enough for a 60 year-old white haired man- more attractive than us but I get the sense that he also has a hole in his life that he is trying to fill, with love or acclaim or the pursuit of excellence. He keeps trying new things because he wants to master them and therefore achieve mastery over his life and the lurking chaos of the universe. Of course that is my opinion, the same as the following article is that writer’s opinion, both of which may be different than Steve Martin’s opinion so next time I talk to him, I’ll ask him to elaborate for me on what’s his motives are in life. Here’s the article, followed by a couple of essays from the genius himself.

******************************

Late-Period Steve Martin
(By Nathan Heller, Slate.com, March 4, 2010)

How to understand the actor, novelist, essayist, playwright, banjo player, crotch-centric variety show performer, and Oscar co-host: For those who have some aspiration in the arts, this is a good time to aspire to be Steve Martin. The actor has spent so many hours on honorary daises of late that getting tapped to co-host the Oscars- this weekend he will lead the ceremony for the third time in a decade, more than any other recent host- seems less a tribute than a kind of expert summons. In 2005, Martin accepted the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, the closest thing to a lifetime achievement award that Washington bestows on funnymen. Two years later, he was feted at the Kennedy Center Honors. His bluegrass album, meanwhile- The Crow: New Songs for the 5-String Banjo- earned him, just a few weeks back, his second banjo Grammy of the new millennium. This sounds like, but is not, the basis for a joke that Steve Martin might make.

To students of his comic style, this polymath success is unsurprising. Martin was born in 1945, and at first glance his career clings to the boomer outlook like a pair of tight plaid trousers: wild and crazy in the '70s, familial in the '80s, professionally venturesome in the '90s, and taken with quaint silver-years hobbies in the aughts. Blink and look again, though, and his path has all the consistency of a patchwork quilt. In the space of a few recent years, Steve Martin published two slim novels, co-wrote and starred in the critical bomb The Pink Panther, co-wrote and starred in the critical bomb The Pink Panther 2, exhibited his private art collection, wrote arch theatrical plays, continued to perform crotch-centric variety acts, pooled funding for a banjo-art show at the Corcoran, published introspective New Yorker pieces, and hosted the Oscars. His star, all the while, has climbed. While many actors Martin once played opposite have disappeared from marquees, tabloids, and the lower cable channels, he has grown into a dean of big-screen comedy, a standby and a classic who can still hold sway on the red carpet. This is impressive when you realize that the last time Martin starred in an outstanding comic movie, George H.W. Bush was in the White House.

What accounts for Martin's staying power? The answer emerges only when you stop trying to play pick-up sticks with his endeavors and instead focus on the direction they all point in. Martin is not chiefly a comic, or an actor, or a writer. He is a nostalgia artist. From the years of his first wild ascent, his signature has been to reach toward a lost cultural moment and remake it in his own time. The collision of those two worlds, past and present, gives his comedy its distinctive flavor. It also helps account for his success. Martin's nostalgia is, in fact, the broader cultural nostalgia of the late '70s; and it's only by tracing that era's effect on his style that you begin to see the pattern hidden in the multiform career. To conjure an image of Martin in the '70s is probably to see him in one of three settings: onstage in a white three-piece suit, inside a King Tut headpiece, or as one of the Festrunk brothers, the pair of Czechoslovakian rakes who grooved fearlessly through the Western bloc. These acts, though, were the endpoint of his climb. Martin started as a countercultural voice in the late '60s, writing for the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, then a bastion of provocative liberal humor, and living in what he describes, in his recent memoir, as "the hippie center of Southern California." He wore long hair, a beard, and what appears to be a couple of pounds of turquoise jewelry. Onstage, he told a lot of Nixon jokes. He came to be distrustful of the laughs they earned. "It had already become rote," he once explained. "I felt that it was time to change that. In a way, it was time to go back to something pre-this time- to a sort of wild, crazy comedy." In an era when George Carlin spoke truth to power in a T-shirt and a ponytail, Martin donned a suit and tie. He used props suggestive of childhood- juggling balls, magic kits, funny hats- and spoke wistfully of the chaos of "today's world."

This was the birth of Martin's nostalgic style- the reach toward a lost, more naive moment, conjured with a plainly stupid hat, or a goofy music act, or a slew of funny faces. What made this comedy so electrifying, though, was the foot Martin kept planted in the present. His act was famously an anti-act- the magic tricks fell flat, the banjo routines often died after a few halfhearted bars- but he also jostled audiences by subjecting them to a kind of culture shock. The nostalgia Martin purveyed was inherently compromised. His balloon forms were childlike in concept, yes, but they were shaped like venereal disease and shouted profanities when popped. His "happy feet" had the qualities of a psychopharmacological tic. By the late '70s (after a long and sometimes painful-to-watch refinement of his style), Martin's act was a virtuosic dance that reached for a quaint sensibility, then dunked it in the cold water of his own, post-liberation era.

There is a battle of worldviews at each comic turn here: one genteel, prudish, naive and the other as free and uncensored as the Me Decade allowed. Where you expect a lurid gesture, you get preschool finger goggles. Where Martin sets up a wholesome defense of monogamy, he pivots suddenly toward rude sexual insouciance. This isn't just the comedy of foiled expectations. It's the humor of a value system fleeing toward another era and then back again. Just as the white suit itself was a vexed symbol (did it represent profound conservatism or, a la John Lennon, the opposite?), Martin's buttoned-up-but-libertine, childlike-but-arrantly-adult routine was culturally equivocal. One moment, he seemed to be trying to force the '60s back into their box. A second later, he was sucking on his balloons to get high.

This cultural ambivalence- if not plain schizophrenia- was a product of the time when Martin developed his style. Just as his own path was an answer to the counterculture, the '70s were a braid of liberal regret, what-now confusion, and desire to graft the virtues of another, clearer time onto the present. Martin's brand of nostalgia runs like mica through the era's art. The time of his success as a perverted vaudeville act, for instance, was the time when Woody Allen started backing his modern-love movies with scratchy jazz recordings and recasting dissolute cities as big-band-era playgrounds. It was when Polanski and Altman brought neo-noir into the modern mainstream. And it was when Raymond Carver and Ann Beattie launched a new Realist generation- one whose subject wasn't the tortures of a strait-laced middle-class life but, instead, the struggle to salvage domestic community from a burnt-out counterculture.

Martin's unique resonance in that moment helps to explain his uncanny ascent. (In 1975, Martin was having trouble filling clubs; by 1978, he was playing to stadiums and gracing the cover of Rolling Stone.) When he made the transition to film- because, he has said, the heat of a stand-up career came to be too much, and too isolating, and he wanted the long-term security of a movie career (could any justification be more of its era?)- his reach toward a lost culture turned explicit. Martin's first feature, The Jerk, was the story of an idiot savant who goes from rags to riches and back via a series of echt-Americana settings: a rural shack, a gas station, a carnival. The soft center of the movie finds Martin and Bernadette Peters singing "Tonight You Belong to Me" on the beach with a ukulele and a Dixieland cornet—the lowbrow version, essentially, of Diane Keaton crooning "Seems Like Old Times." From there, Martin starred in Pennies From Heaven, a Depression-era period piece studded with song-and-dance numbers, and Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, a black-and-white noir spoof. Outwardly, these movies sought to buoy recession-era audiences with glamorized visions of previous lean years. But they worked because they teased out the elements of a known zeitgeist success- Martin's upended version of an old-style variety act- and carried them onto the screen.

Things changed in the '80s, of course- politically, culturally, economically- and in the next decades, Martin tried to make his nostalgic shtick work without its original counterbalance. His solution was to turn the nostalgia on himself. Martin's '80s movies often hearkened back to his stand-up act: singing and dancing open-mouthed in Little Shop of Horrors, making balloon shapes in Parenthood, staggering with mantis arms in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Increasingly, though, the movies just hearkened back to themselves: Was that scene you remember in Parenthood or Father of the Bride? All of Me or The Man With Two Brains? Who makes two disembodied-consciousness movies in two years, anyway? In fact, as Martin has grown less reliable about complicating his nostalgic impulses, his movies have developed a bizarre marshmallow quality: sweet, delightful, family-friendly, and almost endlessly preservable. Many seem bizarrely out-of-time. Is The Pink Panther worth reprising just because the original movies are retro, clownish, and warmly familiar? Without a cultural clutch to lock into, Martin's recreative gears spin toward schlock.

What Martin has lost on-screen over the years, however, he's recovered elsewhere. Much of his recent writing takes on the same conflicts of desire, cultural expectation, and historical idealism that made his early comedy so gripping. Shopgirl, his debut novella, opens with flight toward a lost culture ("When you work in the glove department at Neiman's, you are selling things that nobody buys anymore"). It goes on to follow a questing twentysomething in L.A. who finds herself mysteriously drawn to a flukily successful, highly paid, middle-aged divorcé- make of this premise what you will- then suffers as their urban fairy tale unravels under the pressures of modern life. This attempt to negotiate between two worlds- one imminent, the other nostalgic- also animates Martin's autobiographical essays; and it's easy to see how the same impulse underlies most of the other eclectic pursuits enumerated on his blindingly nostalgic Web site. Let's be honest: What's more quaint, and out-of-time, and culturally beside-the-point than bluegrass?

To some extent, the Oscars were made for Steve Martin in his current incarnation: wistful for an older form of glamour, campy as Ed Sullivan, and based on the premise that charming familiarity is what viewers want. That much is probably true. When Martin takes the stage this weekend, he and Alec Baldwin will face off about who has hosted Saturday Night Live more times. He'll quip about the fact that he's never won a statue. His modern-day variety routine will have none of the edgy restlessness he once brought to the stage. We won't care. These days, we, like Martin, turn to other places for escape.

Article URL: http://www.slate.com/id/2246900/


Times Roman Font Announces Shortage of Periods
(By Steve Martin, The New Yorker, June 9, 1997)

Representatives of the popular Times Roman font recently announced a shortage of periods and have offered substitutes - such as inverted commas, exclamation marks, and semicolons - until the crisis is overcome by people such as yourself, who through creative management of surplus punctuation can perhaps allay the constant demand for periods, whose heavy usage in the last ten years (not only in English but in virtually every language in the world) is creating a burden on writers everywhere, thus generating a litany of comments, among them: "What the hell am I supposed to do without my periods? How am I going to write? Isn't this a terrible disaster? Are they crazy? Won't this just lead to misuse of other, less interesting punctuation???"

"Most vulnerable are writers who work in short, choppy sentences," said a spokesperson for Times Roman, who continued, "We are trying to remedy the situation and have suggested alternatives, like umlauts, since we have plenty of umlauts - and, in fact, have more umlauts than we could possible use in a lifetime! Don't forget, umlauts can really spice up a page with their delicate symmetry - resting often midway in a word, letters spilling on either side - and not only indicate the pronunciation of a word but also contribute to a writer's greater glory because they're fancy, not to mention that they even look like periods, indeed, are indistinguishable from periods, and will lead casual readers to believe that the article actually contains periods!"

Bobby Brainard, a writer living in an isolated cabin in Montana - who is, in fact, the only writer living in an isolated cabin in Montana who is not insane - is facing a dilemma typical of writers across the nation: "I have a sentence that has just got to be stopped; it is currently sixteen pages long and is edging out the front door and is now so lumbering I'm starting to worry that one period alone won't be enough - that I'll need at least two to finally kill it off - and if that doesn't work, I've ordered an elephant gun from Jessie's, and if I don't get some periods fast I'm going to have to use it..." The magazine International Hebrew has offered this emergency statement: "We currently have an oversupply of backwards periods and will be happy to send some to Mister Brainard or anyone else facing a crisis!" .period backwards the in slip you while moment a for way other the look to sentence the getting is trick only The

The general concern of writers is summed up by this brief telegram:

Period shortage mustn't continue stop

Stop-stoppage must come to a full stop stop

We must resolve it and stop the stoppage stop

Yours truly,

Tom Stoppard

Needless to say, there has been an increasing pressure on the ellipsis...

"I assure to you," said the spokesperson, "I assure you the ellipsis is not - repeat, is not - just three periods strung together, and, although certain writers have plundered the ellipsis for its dots, such dots are deeply inelegant and ineffective when used to stop a sentence! An ellipsis point is too weak to stop a modern sentence, which would require at least two ellipsis points, leaving the third dot to stand alone pointlessly - and, indeed, two periods at the end of a sentence would look like a typo, comprende? And why is Times Roman so important? Why can't writers employ some of our other, lesser-used fonts, such as Goofy Deluxe, Namby Pamby Extra Narrow, or Gone Fishin'?"

In fact, there is movement toward alternate punctuation; consider the New Punctuation and Suicide Cult in Southern Texas, whose credo is "Why not try some new and different kinds of punctuation and then kill ourselves?" Notice how these knotty epigrams from Shakespeare are easily unravelled:

Every cloud engenders not a storm

Horatio, I am dead

Remembering the Albertus Extra Bold asterisk embargo of several years back, one hopes the crisis is solved quickly, because a life of exclamation marks, no matter how superficially exciting, is no life at all! There are, of course, many other fonts one could use if the crisis continues, but frankly, which would you rather be faced with - Namby Pamby Extra Narrow or the bosomy sexuality of Times Roman? The shortage itself may be a useful one, provided it's over quickly, for it has made at least this author appreciate and value his one spare period, and it is with great respect that I use it now.


The Sledgehammer: How It Works
(By Steve Martin, The New Yorker, July 27, 1998)

Many of today's adults, who are otherwise capable of handling sophisticated modern devices, are united by a contemporary malady: sledgehammer anxiety. "I feel I'm going to break it," "The old ways still work for me," "This is where technology leaves me behind" are the most common chants of the sledgehammer-phobe. Much of the initial fear comes from a failure to understand just how it works. By attaching a "heavy-weighted slug" (one of the many terms for the blob of lead at the sledgehammer's terminus) to a truncated super-cissoid, you create a disproportionate fulcrum. In other words, if you're a TV set showing Regis promoting a diet book, and you're in a room with an angry unpublished poet holding a sledgehammer, watch out.

The novice sledgehammerer (from the German Sledgehammerammalamadingdong) must be familiar with a few terms:

Thunk: This is the sound that the "clanker" (street term for the heavy-weighted slug) makes when wielded against the "stuff" (see next).

Stuff: Things that are to be wanged (see next).

Wang: the impact of the clanker and the stuff.

Smithereens: The result of being wanged.

Many people are surprised to find out that the sledgehammer has only one moving part: it. Yet "Should I buy now or wait for the new models?" is a refrain so often heard from the panicky first-timer, who forgets that the number of sledgehammer innovations in the last three thousand years can be counted on one finger. There are currently two types of sledgehammers on the market: the three-foot stick with a lead weight on the end, called the "normal," and a new model, currently being beta-tested, which is a three-foot stick with a lead weight in the middle and is called the "below normal." But don't let the market confusion keep you from getting your feet wet. The longer you wait, the fewer things you'll demolish.

There is a natural fear of sledgehammers, says the National Sledgehammer and Broken Toe Society, which is charting the most common accidents and offers tips for the sledgehammer's safe use. The over-the-head position, for example, often leads to excruciating lower-body pain, caused when the sledgehammer wedges itself between the thighs at the end of the backswing. There is also the self-inflicted back-of-the-head knockout on lateral swings, which is very rare, and afflicts only - to use the researcher's lingo - "really dumb people." There are also cleaning accidents. A home hobbyist in Valdosta, Georgia, reported that while he was removing paint from his sledgehammer it suddenly went out of control and destroyed his living-room wall, even though he never let go of its handle.

Despite all these drawbacks, the world of the sledgehammer is rife with enthusiasts: "I find the sledgehammer very erotic," says Jane Parpardello, who is a stockbroker with Smith Barney and wants everyone to know that her home phone number is listed. "I think it's because my father was shaped like a sledgehammer: the long, wooden body, the big metal head. When I see a man with that shape, I want to pick him up and swing him against an apartment wall."

The sledgehammer king, Marty Delafangio, whose net worth is estimated a forty-two thousand dollars, was recently summoned before Congress to defend his reasons for attaching a mandatory Web browser to his market-leading product. "I smelled money to be made," said Delafangio. "The combination of a Web browser and a sledgehammer is a natural." Congress disagreed, and now the Web browser can be sold only as an optional addition, although in a compromise the powder-puff attachment remains.

In the last ten years, the sledgehammer has come into its own, finally recognized for what it is: a tool, a thing, and a heavy object. A hundred years from now, when technology has altered the sledgehammer's appearance to a sleek, digital, aerodynamic machine, it will no doubt function as it does today, toppling the mighty and denting the hard.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Left Behind: A Fond Farewell To The Obsolete

Left Behind: A fond farewell to once-common things that are either obsolete or well on the way
(By Anna Jane Grossman, Washington Post Magazine, 2008)

In his 1970 book, Future Shock, futurist Alvin Toffler warned that the last few decades of the 20th century would bring a widespread physical and psychological overload. "When we lived in an agrarian world as peasants, life was set by the seasons, and things were slow. Terribly slow," says Toffler. "You still had the same plot of land your whole life. Your son's life wasn't going to be that different than your father's." A drastically accelerating world, he predicted, was more than humans would be able to process. Nearly 40 years later, things have changed dramatically -- but aside from the annoyance of having to learn a new cellphone every six months, we all seem to be holding up surprisingly well. When The Washington Post Magazine asked experts, celebrities and average Joes to cast their minds back to objects, habits and paradigms that have been left behind just in the past couple of decades, we came up with those that follow.

Truly 'Blind' Dates
b. when Adam met Eve -- d. 2000s
Smoke and mirrors have long had a place in romance. For ages, we've made ourselves up and shaved ourselves down; we've surgically enhanced the things we can and covered up the things we can't. We've courted each other in the forgiving light of candles and become experts in various scripted untruths: Yes, it was good for me. Really, I've never felt this way before. No, you don't look fat. In the beginning, courtship on the Internet extended this trend. It was the place where, literally and figuratively, no one knew you were a dog. No longer. Now, if a friend sets you up with someone, and you don't automatically Google that person, check his or her "relationship" status on Facebook and do a quick vetting via Cheaternews.com (the modern answer to stocks and pillories), one might question if you are really fit to date at all. Meanwhile, Internet daters have sites such as Truedater.com, where those deceived by photos taken from juuust the right angle can report to the masses that Mr. Right on Match.com is, in the flesh, actually Mr. Fat, Married and Ten Years Older.

Mix Tapes
b. 1963 -- d. 1990s
These plastic gems once acted like aural diaries. Painstakingly recorded from the radio or other people's music libraries and then labeled with loopy script or scribbled drawings, mix tapes -- which made it possible to listen to a customized set of songs without having to put money in a jukebox or hop off the couch mid make-out session -- defined our breakups, our summers, our crushes. They gave every 15-year-old the ability to play deejay and album-cover artist without leaving the bedroom. Niggling matters such as illegal duplication and copyright infringement never entered the mind of your common mix-tape maestro. Those were simpler times -- and there were more subtle laws to abide. (As the music-snob protagonist mused in Nick Hornby's novel High Fidelity: "You can't have white music and black music together, unless the white music sounds like black music, and you can't have two tracks by the same artist side by side, unless you've done the whole thing in pairs.") But mix-tape making, like the audiocassette itself (which is now more than 40 years old), has become a relic. It's been replaced by the burning of CD compilations and the trading of MP3 playlists -- neither of which involves the creative cookery of manually assembling a tape track by track or, ahem, the artistic aplomb that went into the homemade packaging. These other formats also lack the ephemeral quality of a self-recorded 90-minute Maxell -- unless many copies were made (each slowly dubbed by hand), a broken or lost mix tape was not easy to replace. One thing, though, will likely never change: the nomenclature, which gets recalled every time a rap deejay bundles together his latest collection of singles. Says Universal Republic Records president Monte Lipman: "Cassettes may be gone, but we have mix tapes in other configurations now. And, no matter what the medium, I think 'mix tapes' is what they'll always be called."

Land Lines
b. late 1870s -- d. early 2000s
The click of the rotary dial, the blinking red hold button, the cord that could be stretched and then painstakingly detangled -- oh, the magic of a technology that had allowed us, for the first time, to whisper into the ear of someone on the other side of the world. Sure, the device had its flaws (long distance charges, busy signals, necks strained from cradling receivers), but it was an instrument that lent itself to a slew of rituals that today seem quaint, from the college student pulling the receiver into the hallway for privacy to the frantic lover searching for pay-phone change a la Dustin Hoffman in "The Graduate." And what would sitcom writers have done if it weren't for answering machine tapes and all the inevitably embarrassing messages they recorded? But answering machines have become almost as archaic as answering services, and voice mail will be next to go, thanks to services such as SimulScribe, which can convert voice messages into e-mails. Talking on a land line at all is becoming increasingly rare, especially to a generation that crowned its first national texting champion last April. (A 13-year-old won after typing a 151-character phrase in 42 seconds.) Many teens report that they can't recall when they last used their home phone, let alone memorized a number -- an art that, much like dialing with fingers other than the thumb, is all but forgotten. Pay phones, on the way out for years, are heading toward extinction. Last December, AT&T announced that it will completely exit the business by the end of this year. All in all, there are less than half as many coin-chuggers nationwide as there were in 2000, according to the FCC. And even rarer are phone booths. In all of the Washington area, there is only one left. Let's just hope Superman knows where it is.

Short Basketball Shorts
b. 1936 -- d. 2003
The practice of playing games in retro uniforms is common in basketball now; it gives teams another jersey to sell at the concession stands. But last December, in a game against the Boston Celtics, the Los Angeles Lakers took it one step further -- they wore throwback shorts. As in short shorts. For anyone who has mourned the days when a player's full legs were as conspicuous as his tats, it was a moment of glory. A brief one. The Lakers immediately fell behind. Despite a halftime change to the usual baggy, floor-scraping uniforms, the players were so shellshocked from the sight of their upper thighs that they lost. "I don't know what it feels like to wear a thong," said Kobe Bryant after the game. "But I imagine it feels something like what we had on in the first half. I felt violated. I felt naked." How times have changed. Since Michael Jordan first showed up in the NBA with an extra couple of inches on his shorts, basketball bottoms have been steadily creeping lower -- and the look quickly was adopted by players nationwide. The last holdout was Utah Jazz point guard John Stockton, who remained loyal to the short-short look. When he retired in 2003, so did the era of visible knees.

Doing Nothing at the Office
b. 1853 -- d. mid-1990s
The 20th century's best minds might have brought us many wonders fantastic (Decaf soy lattes! Shoulder-fired missiles! Plastic!), but what is truly stunning is the number of office hours Americans clocked during those same years doing . . . nothing much. Taking a cigarette break could sometimes nudge the minute hand a little. The water cooler was also created for this purpose. And paper clips. But in those many empty moments between tasks, much time was spent staring into space. The patron saint of office inaction could be Herman Melville's Bartleby the scrivner, who sloughed off the responsibilities of his job in the dead letter office with a succinct, "I would prefer not to." But in some professions, downtime was practically a requirement of the job, and higher-ups would charge underlings with figuring out how to use it. "When I started in the early '80s, there were word-processing centers," recalls attorney Howard Gutman, a partner at Williams & Connolly. "A 120-page brief could take two hours, and one mistake and you'd have to do it over again. Printing places would vie for business by having beds and food. If you were a young lawyer, sitting and waiting there really was your job." Idle time's death knell was the Internet, which created a way to fill every moment while giving the appearance of productivity. The joys of making wastebasket two-pointers and using Scotch tape to extract nasal blackheads pale when compared with the minute-hand-massaging possibilities of Craigslist and YouTube. According to Nielsen ratings, the average American visits more than 2,000 Web pages a month while on the clock; surveys by Vault.com suggest that close to 90 percent of workers spend part of their day doing Internet browsing that's unrelated to work.

Cigarettes
b. 1800s -- d. 2008
Adieu, smoking. It made news worldwide when New York City banned it in restaurants in 2002. When the District followed four years later, much of the world likely chalked it up to more puritanical Americanism -- another quirk of a country with fluoridated water and wars packaged with catchy slogans. How else could you possibly pick someone up at a bar? But on January 1 of this year, the City of Light itself started popping Nicorette. Paris, once a place where a diet of espresso and Gitanes was comme il faut, has banned smoking in all restaurants, bars and theaters. Mon Dieu! The cigarette's history is so intertwined with sex and reckless youth that it's hard to imagine a world that's completely "no smoking." And yet, so many tobacco-related cultural markers have become distant memories: the monogrammed cigarette case, the Holly Golightly-esque holder, the kindergarten class charged with making ashtrays out of clay. Not that this is a bad thing. We are tasting our food better than ever and can now awake after a night of bar hopping without smelling like the love child of Bette Davis and Popeye. It's also hard to argue with laws that will likely decrease the country's cases of emphysema and lung cancer (as well as leukemia, cataracts, pneumonia, premature births, abdominal aortic aneurysms -- we'd go on, but we've been allotted only a few thousand words for this article). Unfortunately, the global population of cigarette fiends isn't necessarily dwindling. Westerners may be slapping on nicotine patches, but the number of smokers in poorer places in the world continues to grow. The American Cancer Society estimates that there are 1.3 billion smokers worldwide and that number will hit 2 billion by 2030. It's almost enough to drive you to drink.

Phone Sex
b. late 1870s -- d. mid-1990s
Once, the number of words you could type per minute was impressive only to an employer. Today, the hunt-and-pecker is seriously handicapped in a much more personal arena: sex. Thanks to instant- and text-messaging, phone sex is going the way of the VHS. There are just too many advantages to being an SMS or AIM Casanova. You need not worry about phone bills or eavesdropping roommates; images can be swapped quickly or even live; and most IM and text sex can be pursued right at the dinner table or office desk, under the guise of getting homework assignments or checking the human rights situation in China. It's also low effort (even orgasm requires little but holding down a couple of vowel keys and hitting return, then gracefully exiting the situation with a quick BRB or TTYL) and can be saved for later enjoyment (control + c, control + v and voila). Some are taking it a few steps further. With virtual reality programs such as Second Life, people create avatars of themselves and go on to have illicit affairs and even long-term relationships, often conducted solely with staccato onscreen messages. Of course, a certain level of intimacy is lost. Giggles are gone; pauses all the more fraught. (Is he transported by passion . . . or IMing another girl concurrently?) While it's doubtful these media could ever threaten the popularity of the actual act, there's no shortage of people eager to experiment with them. According to a survey conducted in Canada for the site Campuskiss.com, more college students take part in instant-messenger sex than in any kind of telephonic sex. Because love means never having to say, "Can you hear me now?"

Getting Lost
b. dawn of man -- d. 1990s
In 1983, President Ronald Reagan decreed that the Global Positioning System, theretofore the provenance of the military, would be open to the public. Little did the Gipper know that this decision would affect the lives of untold numbers of couples, all habitually deadlocked on whether to ask for directions. In an era where "MapQuest" is a verb, having no sense of direction or ability to read a map have become excusable flaws. You can almost count on having a GPS nearby. The technology-focused market research company Forward Concepts reports that 171 million units were shipped last year and more than three times as many will ship in 2011. Though most of the devices are embedded in cars and phones, they're also helping people keep track of meandering pets, kids and impaired adults. But, if life truly is about the journey and not the destination, losing "lost" could be a real loss. Consider the ramifications on Western culture had the technology popped up sooner. Would there be The Odyssey? Columbus might've actually found the Orient ("Make the next legal U-turn"). Losing sight of our meandering ways and the connections made with people during unexpected sojourns may be the biggest loss of all. What happened to directions scribbled on cocktail napkins? Or, for that matter, spontaneity? Used to be half the joy of a family trip was spreading out the map on the dash, strapping the dog to the roof and admitting you had no way to answer the age-old question: "Are we there yet?"
On the flip side, depending on what GPS voice features your device offers, today you may be able to avoid familial conflict by letting Mr. T tell the kids exactly how far there is to go.

Cash (b. pre-600 B.C. -- d. early 2000s)
Take a good whiff of a greenback - if you actually have one in your wallet, that is. The aroma might just take you back to a time of savings passbooks (in lieu of online banking), rolling quarters (instead of hitting the Coinstar machine) and trips to Europe when you could actually afford a madeleine. What we know about the dollar is shifting almost faster than the exchange rate. Pennies now cost more than a cent to make. And even the color that launched a dozen nicknames - the green stuff, the long green, lettuce, cabbage - is dated. The new 20s are kind of pinkish and periwinkle, and the new fives are . . . um, does anyone still use bills besides 20s? A new edition of Monopoly has completely done away with colored money. As if the banker's job weren't sweet enough, she now goes all Arthur Andersen on her opponents, inserting players' "credit cards" in a hand-held machine, checking a balance, which only she can see, and then deducting monies paid to a property's owner or adding that $2 million earned for passing Go. (Dollar amounts have been seriously adjusted for inflation.) Not that credit cards are long for this world. Thanks to technology being tested in several states, a simple tap of a cellphone will likely be the way your average shopper will pay for things in coming years. After that, the next logical development would seem to be a technology that automatically deducts funds from our checking accounts when we simply think about what we want to buy. Wait - isn't that what the Internet is for?

Body Hair (b. early man (very hairy!) -- d. 2000s)
Getting ready for a date once involved little more than a blow dryer, a razor and a handful of products that could be found at the drugstore (or the grocery store, if you were one of those mayonnaise people). In the past decade, however, that primping might mean spending several hours and more than a few dollars on professional services: eyebrow threading, lip bleaching, armpit-hair waxing, bikini-line laser removal . . . even those little fluffy fellas near the hairline are likely to get pulled. Male hair isn't safe, either. The men's razor market is estimated to have grown more than 25 percent since 2001, and not all those blades are being used on faces: According to personal care product manufacturers Church & Dwight, three of 10 men ages 18 to 34 regularly remove hair from their bodies. Indeed, hair as a whole has grown out of favor. Tom Selleck's hair, both facial and pectoral, was once considered both hot and completely unironic; Madonna's eyebrows circa 1984 could've woven half a dozen wigs. But it's been a long time since a celebrity's hair was her defining characteristic, a la Farrah Fawcett, Crystal Gayle or Jennifer Aniston. Today, it's the lack thereof (see Britney Spears or Bruce Willis) that seems to garner stars the most notice. "It's just cheaper and simpler to remove body hair today than it was 10 or 20 years ago. And the products that were available 20 years ago are far superior today," says Roman Shuster, a research analyst with Euromonitor International, a company that tracks industry trends. "More young people are waiting longer to have children, so they have more time and money to spend on things like hair removal." It's all enough to make one wonder what great things we might accomplish if the energy funneled into modern depilatory techniques could be redirected.

Having the Blues (b. time immemorial -- d. 1990s)
When Bobby McFerrin sang "Don't Worry, Be Happy," in 1988, Americans took it as an order. So much so, points out Charles Barber, author of the new book Comfortably Numb: How Psychiatry Is Medicating a Nation, that, in 2005, more money was spent on the anti-depressant drug Zoloft than on Tide. "Kids today are growing up with drugs being advertised on TV like toothpaste, and so are being instilled with the idea that you can rid yourself of untoward emotions," says Barber. Today, with anti-depressants even more refined, marketed and available, crying into your pillow while blaring Leonard Cohen and reading Anna Karenina has become a kind of crime. Is the world a better place? It's hard to say. What's clear is that we have a better understanding of the chemical causes of certain emotions -- a greater sense of why our brains work the way they do. While this is a good thing for those of us wondering why a happy childhood nevertheless resulted in years of mild malaise and head shrinkage, it's great news for anyone whose life has been completely paralyzed by depression and uncontrollable emotions. And, for what it's worth, sadness had an awfully good run before its current exile to Elba. "In the 1800s, Thomas Carlyle talked about how happiness was really only a few hundred years old. Before that, people were too busy trying to survive and fight off Cossacks to even think about emotions, let alone the idea of being 'happy,' " says Barber.

Quotes About What’s Becoming Obsolete:

"Real people going on game shows. When we were kids, we'd watch 'The Price is Right,' and the contestant would have curlers in her hair -- she'd look like your neighbor next door. Real people got a chance to shine. Now, everyone comes out of some stupid mold from a moronic casting director's idea of what is exciting to watch. All the reality is removed." -- Rosie O'Donnell

"Drawing tables have become obsolete. As have bridge tables, enamel-topped kitchen tables and turntables." -- Milton Glaser, graphic designer

"Maureen Dowd." -- Ann Coulter, conservative commentator

"I see people who are constantly text-messaging. I still like to pick up the phone and talk to someone, and that's how I continue to conduct business. I'm on the phone a lot, and I see a lot of people in my office every day." -- Donald Trump

"Focus groups. They never worked, really. Only the top pros understood them. Mostly, they were used to persuade the boss to do what you wanted to do anyway." -- Seth Godin, marketing expert

"I miss competence. There's a lot of incompetence in this industry. Knowing how to write, how to play, sing, perform. Just knowing how to do the gig. Instead, they have all kinds of tools to make people sound better and keep them in key. But I probably sound like an old grouch. Maybe I'm the thing that's obsolete." -- Billy Joel

"Handwritten 'dupes' -- the checks that the server writes customers' orders on, and then a carbon copy would be handed to the kitchen. All that is done by computers now. I have a bit of nostalgia for the sense of detail it allowed, because computers can't be so detailed as a handwritten request. The written reservation book is also gone for good. I still look over ours from the beginning and laugh at how difficult it must have been. But it was free." -- Ellen Kassoff Gray, co-owner of Equinox restaurant

"Fifteen years ago, if you didn't have a baked Alaska or cherry jubilee on the menu, you couldn't consider yourself a French restaurant. Today, you can't find hardly any of these things. I miss flambe. And lobster thermidor! And anything that involves innards is hard to come by now." -- Tim Zagat, co-founder of Zagat Survey

"Network nightly news broadcasts as a source of common information and national unity. Opinions differed, but Americans began thinking with the same images and facts in mind, brought to them by experienced journalists. If you cared about national or world affairs, you scheduled dinner before or after the nightly serving of Cronkite, Rather, Brokaw or Jennings." -- Madeleine K. Albright, former secretary of state

"Computerized design has become a really great, really user-friendly resource, but the drawings often have more of the personality of the program than of the programmer. I still love hand-drawn floor plans." -- Thom Filicia, interior designer

"Smoking allowed in restaurants, and the small portions and odd plating of nouvelle cuisine -- just a little bit of food on a big white plate. Portion sizes have definitely gotten larger and plating more natural." -- Laurent Tourondel, executive chef of BLT Steak Bistro


170 Things On Their Way To Obsolescence

Workplace
Carbon paper
Wite-Out
"While you were out" pads
Word processors
Electric typewriters
Press type
Wax paste-up
Address books
Yellow Pages
Floppy disks
Secretaries
Shorthand
Rolodexes
Lickable stamps
Filofaxes
Bike messengers
White type on black screens
PalmPilot Graffiti alphabet
Phone trees
CRT monitors
Typing pools
Dot-matrix printers
Fax paper on rolls
Printer paper with holes on the sides
Music
Tape decks
Walkmans
Portable CD players
Eight-tracks
MiniDiscs
Record stores
Boomboxes
Napster
Flicking lighters at a concert's end
Standing in line for tickets
Beauty & Fashion
Shoehorns
Tie tacks
Teased hair
Catalogue shopping
Illuminated mirrors that simulate different environments
Stonewashed jeans
Sun-in
Men with one earring
Crow's-feet or laugh lines
Press-on nails
Bolo ties
Hair crimpers
Fashion models weighing more than 110 pounds
Vanities
Suspenders
Full slips
Polyester
Flattop haircuts (except in military)
Fur
Girdles
Wristwatches
Dingy teeth
Earmuffs
Pompomed socks
Computers & The Internet
Friendster
MySpace
Metacrawler
E-mails written with the formality of letters
Dial-up
Sound of the modem starting up
Non-wireless Internet
AOL CDs in the mail
Kozmo delivery
Prodigy
Video games without avatars
Babies
Doctor-administered pregnancy tests
Diaper pins
Diaper delivery services
Hard plastic shoes
Johnny-Jump-Ups
Cesareans only for emergencies
Rocking chairs
Smoking while pregnant
Unflattering maternity clothes
Glass baby bottles
Kids & School
Paper routes
Wall-mounted pencil sharpeners
Calculator watches
Having to learn to touch-type
Trapper Keepers
1600 high scores on the SATs
College acceptance letters via mail
Choose Your Own Adventure books
Slide rules
Film projectors in classrooms
Good penmanship
Mimeograph machines
Pocket protectors
Learning BASIC
Silver dollars given for special occasions
UNICEF boxes for Halloween
Home economics class
Cars
Manual windows
Getting out to open the garage door
Full-service gas stations
DVD-less road trips
Cigarette lighters
Cabs with jump seats in the back
Non-jumbo cup holders
Kicking the tires of a new car
Old-school Volkswagen Bugs
Optional seat belts
Optional child car seats
Optional car insurance
Nonstandard air bags
Gas less than $3 a gallon
TripTiks
Food & Dining
Stovetop popcorn poppers
TV dinners
Cyclamate sweetener
Electric frying pans
Everyone at the table ordering dessert
Thinking of sushi as exotic
New Coke
Tab in soda machines
Travel
Film
Flash cubes
Getting dressed up for the airplane
Travel agents
Plane tickets sent in the mail
Hotel room keys
Smoking on planes
Stewardesses in wigs
Affordable train travel
Polaroids
Hitchhiking
Postcards
In-flight meals
Traveler's checks
Money belts
Elevator operators
Saying goodbye at the airport gate
Being out of touch
Health & Sanitation
Mercurochrome
Doctors making house calls
Oat bran as a cholesterol reducer
Toxic shock syndrome
Orthodontic headgear
Plaster casts
Appendicitis scars
Tonsillectomies
Routine overnight hospital stays
Sanitary napkin belts
Having to ask a store clerk for condoms
Home
Water beds
Dustbusters
Non-digital TV
Photo albums
Handwritten letters
Fuzzy TV reception
Toilets with pulls
Stereo systems
Analog clocks
Sports & Recreation
Wooden tennis rackets
Ignoring the World Cup
Thinking Europeans can't play basketball
The set shot
Star athletes who swear they've never used drugs, and mean it
High diving boards
Biking without helmets
Going Out
Walk/Don't Walk text signs
Cigarette machines
Renting movies on Friday nights
Affordable theater tickets
"Cocktail table" Ms. Pac-Man
Finding dates in bars

Bee Gee's “Stayin’ Alive” Saves Lives

Bee Gee's “Stayin’ Alive”
Provides Life Saving Beat
(by Victoria Tsigonis, Associated Press, Oct 2008)









The Bee Gee’s 1977 classic ‘Stayin Alive’ has been proven to not only be a disco anthem, but potentially could be able to save your life. According to the American Heart Association, chest compressions should be given at 100 per minutes in CPR (cardiopulmonary resuscitation). Having a BPM (beats per minute) of 103, the song almost perfectly matches that needed to provide proper CPR, a technique used to save lives where a person’s breathing and/or heartbeat has stopped.

In a study conducted at the University of Illinois College of Medicine at Peoria, listening to the song helped 15 doctors and medical students perform CPR on dummies at the proper speed. "The theme 'Stayin' Alive' is very appropriate for the situation,” stated Dr. David Matlock, the head doctor on the study. "Everybody's heard it at some point in their life. People know the song and can keep it in their head." According to Reuters, five weeks later the students and doctors were asked to keep the song in their heads and were once again able to keep a good pace on their dummies while performing CPR.

51 Things I Miss About D.C.

51 Things I Miss About D.C.
(Whitney Matheson, USA Today website, 2007)

I've been living in New York for almost two weeks, and so far it's going pretty well. However, I still think about D.C. quite a bit, especially since I'd grown so comfortable in that city for the last five years. While I don't really miss having a car or doing my own laundry -- I was terrible at those things anyway -- there was plenty to love about my D.C. life. I suppose this post could sort of double as "Pop Candy's Guide to Washington," because it gives away some of my favorite local attractions and weekend activities. In no particular order, here are 51 things I miss about D.C. (I was going to limit the list to 50, but I added one more, since the District dreams of becoming the nation's 51st state!)

1. The free museums.

2. Concerts at the 9:30 Club.

3. Late night/early morning half-smokes at Ben's Chili Bowl after 9:30 Club shows.

4. The Gandhi statue, especially when it has flowers around its neck or at its feet.

5. The Albert Einstein Memorial, especially when a child is sitting in its lap.

6. The Bourbon Bacon Cheeseburger (with a side of tater tots) at Bourbon.

7. The folk-art wing of the American Art Museum. (My favorite part: An awe-inspiring display called The Throne of the Third Heaven of the Nations Millennium General Assembly by James Hampton, left. It's made entirely out of aluminum foil and found objects!)

8. The great selection of Claire Fontaine notebooks at National Airport's Pen & Prose.

9. The cocktails, biscuits, grits and every delicious entree I've ever had at Acadiana.

10. The tree-lined streets of Glover Park, my old neighborhood.

11. Sunday mornings at the Dupont Circle farmer's market.

12. The French fries at Granville Moore's -- they're the best in the city.

13. The Sculpture Garden ice-skating rink, particularly when my iPod is playing a Guided by Voices song.

14. Pinny, the wacky mascot at Strike bowling alley in Bethesda.

15. The view of all the embassies on Massachusetts Avenue.

16. The relatively quiet and clean Metro system.

17. Penn Cove oysters and a sweet waitstaff that recognized me at Hank's Oyster Bar.

18. The Crafty Bastards Arts and Crafts Fair in Adams Morgan.

19. The giant Adirondack chair outside the Duke Ellington School of the Arts. I always believed this was the world's largest, but that actually sits in St. Paul, Minn.!

20. Cheap pitchers of Michelob, hot corn and (of course) piles of crabs at Bethesda Crab House.

21. Sword swallowers and burlesque dancers at Palace of Wonders.

22. Channel 4 meteorologist Bob Ryan.

23. Weekend indie-movie matinees at the E Street Cinema.

24. Well-organized shelves at Big Planet Comics.

25. The DC Rollergirls, particularly my good friend Camilla the Hun.

26. The National Cherry Blossom Festival.

27. Woodsy walking paths in Rock Creek Park.

28. Baby back ribs at Rocklands Barbecue.

29. People-watching by the Dupont Circle fountain.

30. Superhero movies on the big screen at the Uptown Theater.

31. Great vintage clothing and the Andrew Bird-loving saleswoman at Junction.

32. The annual Smithsonian Kite Festival.

33. WAMU's The Diane Rehm Show (even though it's syndicated).

34. The National Christmas Tree and the 50 state trees.

35. Pre-show drinks, olives and anchovies at Bar Pilar.

36. All of the talented ladies -- not to mention their amazing music selection -- at Trim Salon.

37. Strolls around the U Street Corridor.

38. The Silverdocs documentary film festival.

39. Pizza and ping pong at Comet.

40. Nationals games.

41. Historic St. John's Church, aka "Church of the Presidents."

42. The discounted DVD section of Melody Records.

43. Lauriol Plaza's chicken chimichanga and dangerous "swirl" margaritas.

44. Cupcakes in every flavor from Cake Love.

45. Fall.

46. Occasional Ian MacKaye sightings.

47. Nighttime views of the Lincoln and Jefferson Memorials, which are even more breathtaking than the sunlit views.

48. The cafeteria at the National Museum of the American Indian.

49. Staff recommendations at Olsson's Books and Records (R.I.P.).

50. Peeping in windows of ritzy Georgetown homes.

and one more ...

51. My family and friends.

Of course, right now I'm working on my list of "50 Things to Love About New York." Something tells me it won't take so long to fill.