Various Onion Articles

Obama Modifies 'Yes We Can' Message To Exclude Area Loser
(The Onion.com website, 2008)

In a nationally televised speech Friday, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama altered his vision of a unified America to exclude Dayton, OH loser Nate Walsh.   According to Obama, the 32-year-old Walsh, who has lived with his parents intermittently since receiving his associate's degree in 2001 and still does not have a credit card in his own name, no longer figures into the senator's long-term plan of rallying Americans from all walks of life around a common, higher purpose.  "People of South Carolina, people of the world, this is our time, this is our moment," Obama said before 72,000 supporters at the University of South Carolina. "That is, unless you live in apartment 3L at 1254 Holden St., you watched Money Train on TBS last night, and your name is Nate Walsh."

An excerpt from Obama's speech draws on his message of unity-minus-one.  "I have always said that the change we seek will not come easy, that it will not come without its share of sacrifice and struggle," Obama continued. "And the last thing we need is dead weight like Nate Walsh adding another 20 or 30 years to the process."  The speech, entitled "A More Perfect Union Minus Nate Walsh," was 26 minutes long and contained the words "change" 12 times, "hope" 16 times, and "Nate," in conjunction with the phrase "with the exception of," 34 times.  Although Obama remained vague on issues such as health care and foreign policy, the Illinois senator was praised for finally publicly addressing the issue of Nate Walsh. Obama took a hard-line stance on Walsh, calling the part-time driving-range employee the lone aspect of America he doesn't believe in, a citizen who can languish in the past for all he cares, and "on top of everything else, is kind of a jerk."

"When I began this campaign, my mission was to help this nation share my vision for one America—not a black America, or a white America, or a Latino or Asian America," Obama said. "But now what I see, what I envision, is a Nate-free America. And once we get rid of that guy, there is nothing we can't accomplish. Nothing we can't achieve."  According to campaign strategist David Axelrod, Walsh's failure to remember his mother's birthday five years in a row, along with the fact that for the entire month of July he washed his hair with a bar of soap because he was too lazy to purchase shampoo, are examples of the kind of hopelessness Obama is trying to avoid.  "I am reminded of an instance early last year when Nate told his sister, Elizabeth, that he was going to start going to the gym three times a week after work," Obama said. "I was rooting for Nate. I thought that this time things would be different. That this time Nate would be capable of change. But it was just like 1997, 1999, 2000, and 2002 all over again. He went to the gym twice and quit.  What a loser."

In the hours following the speech, members of the McCain camp scrambled to respond to Obama's views on Walsh. In a statement last night, McCain applauded Obama's position on the loser, but criticized him for not offering any real solutions to the Nate Walsh problem. McCain went on to promise that, if elected, he would rid the world of Walsh within his first 48 hours in office without raising taxes.  Perhaps the most stirring moment of Obama's speech came at its conclusion, when he reasserted his call for change on the part of everyone except Walsh, whom he urged to just change the channel to the Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime like he knows he wants to.  "People of America, not Nate, we have the ability to heal this nation," Obama said. "Yes we can, Nate excluded, seize our future. Yes we can, with the exception of Nate and his stupid cargo shorts that he never washes, turn the page to a new tomorrow. I am confident that where we- and by 'we' I mean everyone but Nate- are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can't, we- again, not Nate- will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in six simple words: Yes we can, except Nate Walsh." 

Something About Tax Cuts Or Earnings Or Money Or Something In Recent Economic News

(The Onion, Sept 29, 2010)

 

WASHINGTON—Some sort of tax cut or earnings or money or something was reported in economic news this week in further evidence that a lot of financial- related things have been going on lately.  According to numerous articles and economics segments from major media outlets, experts on banks and such have become increasingly concerned over a new extension or rates or a proposal or compromise that could signal fewer investments, and dollars, and so on. 

 

The experts confirmed that the stimulus has played a role.  "This is a clear sign of a changing cycle," some top guy at one of the big banks in New York said of purchasing power parity or possibly rate of return during a recent interview on CNN. "Which isn't to say that a sustained drop in wages couldn't still occur, even if the interest paid on reserves is lowered.  "In short, it's possible but not probable that growth could outpace our initial expectations," added the banking guy, who went on to say other money things, too. "It depends on investor sentiment."  The man, who also apparently mentioned the Nasdaq, the Dow, and the Japan one at some point or another, talked for a really long time about credit or reductions or possibly all these figures, which somehow relate to China.  Greece was also involved.

 

An analyst from Citigroup or Citibank announced on Monday that the Federal Reserve System is doing too much, while the Fed has failed to accomplish its goals to increase inflation or interest, which are different things. In addition, he was critical of the Fed's efforts to regulate the Bernanke.  "There might be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now the markets are still struggling," the man who was wearing a blue suit and red tie said about some special money tunnel. "At this point, though, it's too early to say."  The head Treasury person, whose name sounds like Guyver or Meisner, appeared on every major network this week, either to assure Americans that everything was better or was going to get better or was never going to get better. Some other guy argued that it has never been that good. During interviews, the Treasury guy was observed on several occasions smiling or wincing.

 

According to a recent issue of The Wall Street Journal, there are currently a bunch of columns filled with a wide variety of numbers, letters, and symbols.  Geithner—that is the Treasury guy's name.  Another expert, Lawrence Kudlow, who hosts the CNBC program The Kudlow Report, was upbeat over the amount of points available in the industrial average or pleased with where the percentages were at.  "It's simple, actually, because the current dividend yield is equivalent to the most recent full-year dividend divided by the current share price," Kudlow said really quickly. "And that's basically the situation we're in now, for better or worse." 

 

Paul Krugman, New York Times columnist and 2008 winner of the Nobel Prize for something in one of those economics categories, acknowledged in an editorial this week that the SEC must work closely with the stock market, Wall Street, and the New York Stock Exchange to maintain the bulls, bears, and opening bells. Krugman also said something could spur lending or trading or budgetary measures. Although it has not been totally determined whether Krugman agrees with leading experts on assets or retail sales data or other fiscal things, reliable sources have confirmed that he has a beard. Time or Newsweek recently published a cover story on the recession or the government debt or incomes or GDP or something similar to that, but kind of focused on how it's the fault of the rich, the middle class, and the poor.  In addition, mutual funds, probably.

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/something-about-tax-cuts-or-earnings-or-money-or-s,18169/

 

It Wuz Always 'Bout Tha Numbahs

(Stories From an Accountant, The Onion website 2007)

Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways / Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here.

—Chicago, "Wishing You Were Here"

I be blastin' this def tune outta tha Nite Rida's sweet-ass factory-installed speakas a lot lately. Suckas always comin' up 2 me sayin', damn Dog, we thought you down wit' tha gangsta rap, not no Chicago VII. I say hell no, I gots mad hate foe that wack hip-hop shit. Hall N' Oatz, Neily D, that band that supply air: now that's tha mad slammin' shit, word dat. Tha H-Dog listens easy, always has, always will. Plus tha tune remind me o' my ol' homie an' mentor, CPA-ONE (R.I.P.). Damn, I wish he wuz still here. I don't mean that in no homo way. It just that we could use a few moe strong Accountz Reeveevin' bruthahs among tha livin', 'cuz down here it be war all around.  Times be hard as hell in tha A.R. bruthahood. Sir Casio KL7000, AirGoNomic, Kount Von Numbakrunch, Petty Ka$h, an' tha rest o' my krew in lockdown on some bullshit freestyle accountin' charges. They tried 2 bust my ass, but they couldn't get no charges 2 stick. So now I'm one o' tha few A.R. playas representin' on tha outside while them punk-ass Accountz Payabo knockas run wild. (3-Holepunch got three-hole-punched back last July. Mourn ya till I join ya, bro, an' much luv.)

Heaven knows and Lord it shows when I'm away / Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here.

Midstate be changin', too. Back in tha day, they used 2 pipe in them supafly Muzak beatz. But now they just play some mystical Irish flute shit off a satellite feed. Shitload o' turnovah in tha hizzy, too. Peeps used 2 make a career o' this place; ain't that way no moe. I no soona done sexin' up a Cash Room bitch than some new big-hair ho take her place.  An' peep this: Don't nobody want no office coffee no moe. It all 'bout tha Starbux now. Ain't shit wrong with office coffee, 'specially tha way I makes it: two an' three-eighths scoops o' Folgers wit' three an' one-quarter cups o' water. That tha perfect proportion.

Jus' about only thang still tha same be Myron Schabe. That fucka coulda died at his deks tan' turned into a skeleton an' no one would notice anyhow.  Tha biggest change? Full-scale, crazy-ass turf war between tha A.R. an' tha A.P. Not a day go by without me havin' 2 use tha Letta Opener O' Death on a Accountz Payabo punk.  Back in tha day, tha A.P. posse used 2 be weak-ass amateurs. Kickin' they asses wuz like takin' a nice, long, satisfyin' shit: Y'all could bring a magazine. But now tha A.P. be thirstin' foe serious payback, an' tha H-Dog in they crosshairs. Plus, them Blueshirts still ain't particularly pleased I wasted five o' they best enforcas with my Office-Fu skeelz back in tha '04.  Tha H-Dog sleep wit' one eye open now.  My man Gary, tha assistant A.R. supervisa at Midstate, left 'bout five months ago. "I can't put my wife and daughter in danger anymore, Herbert," he say. He say I should leave Midstate an' accountz reeceeve undah a new moniker, but I say hell no, I ain't runnin' scared foe nobody. I can't. Gary never really rolled wit' my krew, but I gots mad respect foe him. Rocked Midstate's calculatas foe 11 years an' never had an overage moe’n 50 cent. Big ups 2 ya, Gary.

Everythang fallin' 2 shit, know what I'm sayin'? Check it out: Not only tha A.P. out foe blood, now tha new breed o' A.R. punks be fuckin' up everythang they ol' school foefatherz worked foe. They ain't got no respect foe tha traditions o' tha past. They just clockpunchin' hos afta tha office chedda. Some-a them be comin' outta bidness college thinkin' they can round up 2 tha nearest dolla. No lie. Wack-ass wannabes.   Ain't nobody moe wack than Irving Weinbaum, Gary's replacement. I'd fire his ass wit' a quickness, but tha comptrolla Gerald Luckenbill say he one-a tha few A.R. peeps not doin' time right now an' we needs him. Hell, I don't needs him.  Irving, he think he all dat, but he ain't. Got his accountin' degree from some bullshit diploma mill an' he have tha muhfukkin' balls 2 step 2 me jus' 'cuz he landed a sweet-ass Midstate gig. Yesterday, I called tha fool into my dope cubicle and told him 2 resolve a $2 variance. "Two dollar variance?" he say. "Woot!"  "'Woot'?" I say. "You fuckin' fool, it gotta balance."  "Why?" he say. "Midstate's in the black. They can eat the cost. It's all good."  Wuz tha bitch straight trippin'? "Muhfukka, you want yo head flown?" I say, mah H-Kool slippin'. "I wants that variance resolved."  "Don't tell me what to do, bra," he say.  "Don't call me no goddamn bra," I say. "I ain't no Maidenform shit. Fuck all y'all! What, y'all sayin' I'm a bra? What? What? What? Whadju say, fucka? What? What?"  "Chill out, geezer," he say.  DAMN. Next thang I knew, my Letta Opener headin' straight foe his forehead. Next thang I knew afta that, tha L.O.'s bouncin' off a phone book that Irving thrust in fronta his face, an' fallin' 2 tha flo'. Irving picked it up an' peeped it, then flashed this crazy-ass smile, his grill fulla white veneers. "That, Dog, is for opening letters," he say. He bend tha L.O. in two, an' place it in my deks drawer. Then he smile an' fold his hands ovah his chest, waitin' foe my next move. An' suddenly I freeze. 'Cuz I wuz lookin' into a mirror o' my ol' self.  "This ain't ovah, fucka," I say.  "No, it's not," he say.

Aahhhh-aahhh-aahhhhhhhhh.

Know what? Fuck Irving Weinbaum. Fuck tha A.P., an' fuck tha system that keep an A.R. bruthah down. Fuck a bitch ex who won't let her babydaddy see his shortie no moe 'cuz he supposedly "a bad influence," when she out chickenheadin' tha whole damn A.P. an' I.T. put togetha. Fuck that flute bullshit, an' fuck them Starbux-havin', no-balancin', disrespectin' Midstate punk-ass muhfukkaz. If tha world gonna dis me foe keepin' it real an' kickin' it ol' school, then fuck tha world. I can't do no else. Honor above all, CPA-ONE used 2 say. Homie would undahstand, if no one else here do. 

And I'd like to change my life, and you know I would / Just to be with you tonight, baby, if I could / But I've got my job to do, and I do it well, / So I guess that's how it is. (horn solo)

Daddy H still in full effect, y'all. Tha bling, tha fame, an' tha bitchez keep flowin' in, but that shit ain't what matta. They ain't what kept me in tha game foe so long when so many o' my A.R. bruthahs never got promoted, or got hooked on Sharpies, or gave up on tha reeceevin' an' went into tax preparin' or auditin' or some other pitiful shit.  No, it wuz always 'bout tha numbahs. Tha numbahs. An' this Stone-Col' Funkee-Fresh Mack Daddy Supastar Enforca O' Midstate Office Supply will be crunchin' 'em an' balancin' 'em 2 tha grave. Much luv 2 ya, mah G's. H-Dog OUT. Peace.